When the Going Gets Tough...

What do you do?

How do you handle the difficult stuff?

Do you have a best friend that you run to / confide in? Are you the shoulder that people seek out? Are you a planner? Fighter? Whiner? Cynic? You don't really have to answer these questions. I've just been doing some thinking.

Sometimes I'd like to allow myself to be a whiner. I rarely do...it's just not a means to an end. At least not the end I'm looking for. No matter how old you are, a temper tantrum doesn't resolve anything. I will say I have done all of the others - some with more frequency than others.

Simms' mom once described me as feisty. Simms says I am passionate. They are probably both correct. When it comes to things that are close to my heart (family, morals, faith) I am a fighter. But even fighters need time to train and rest or fatigue sets in.

My family has walked through so much - physically, spiritually, emotionally. Especially in this last year. I would love to say the journey is complete but that's not the truth. Can that really happen this side of eternity? That's a question to ponder another day.

I feel like we've been running a very long relay race with rare opportunities to pass the baton.

As always, He meets me where I am. Sometimes, it's just helpful to know that He knows what's going on. I mean I know He knows...but it's nice when He takes the time to remind me. This time it was through another blog which catalyzed my search for Elizabeth Hunnicutt's album On My Way. Well worth my time. Exactly what I needed. Here are some of the lyrics from her song On My Way that did me in tonight.

...I just have to keep moving not with vision but with faith...

I'm learning...

• how to walk on the way
• who I am on the way
• how to see on the way
• how to live on the way

And my/our journey continues...

Reflection: Some Details

During my time of reflection on this past year, one of the things that I kept going back to with God was asking him about the meaning of this year. For the past few years I have been asking Him what He has for our family and when 2008 began I believe He told me it was going to be a year of increase. I admit I was puzzled. What does that mean? Increase in what? I didn't get a specific answer so I happily skipped into the year expecting something fun - maybe even exciting.

We've experienced some fun and even exciting moments but it would be dishonest to ignore all of the tough stuff we've been walking through and enduring. We have praised Him in the storm - it just feels like it's been a really long storm.

I was pondering this again Wednesday morning while driving to meet a friend and mentor for lunch. Increase? Increase in what? What does that mean anyway? Was that even from you God? (mentally listing all of the annoying things that have happened this year only to be countered by all of the good things) *huff* Increase. I don't even know if I want to ask you what is in store for next year. I'm half-kidding. You know that but I'm kind of not too. I arrive to my destination without an answer. I put this on the back-burner, reminding God that I really need insight on this and meet my friend for lunch.

It's a good thing that we prayed before we started to eat because I think I would have spit out whatever was in my mouth when she prayed for me and my family "...for increase and favor..." Why? Again with this word?!?!?

Still wrestling.

Evening arrived and I began to drive with my boys to church for our Christmas Celebration. We were in traffic. How much? Enough that I was paying attention to the license plate in front of me. The first three letters were ETA. And I thought Estimated Time of Arrival...don't know when that will be...why is there traffic?...God when is our ETA?...when will all of this be done? Don't ask me why because I don't do this - at least not the logical side of me anyway. Two numbers after the ETA were 35 and for some reason I thought I was supposed to look up a chapter 35 in the Bible. Okay, I thought, rolling my eyes, is this going to tell me my ETA? My question was both challenging and hopeful.

I went to bed reminding myself that I'd have to check into this tomorrow. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go to sleep. I admittedly tossed and turned a bit, silently reminding God how tired I have been. Still wide awake, I got out of bed and walked downstairs to open my Bible. I quickly found Isaiah 35. Yes. This was exactly what I needed. The chapter is titled "The Future Glory of Zion" in my Bible and it reads:

The wilderness and the wasteland shall be glad for them,
And the desert shall rejoice and blossom as the rose;
It shall blossom abundantly and rejoice,
Even with joy and singing.
The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it,
The excellence of Carmel and Sharon.
They shall see the glory of the Lord,
The excellency of our God.

Strengthen the weak hands,
And make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who are fearful-hearted,
"Be strong, do not fear!
Behold, your God will come with vengeance,
With the recompense of God;
He will come and save you."

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
And the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped.
Then the lame shall leap like a deer,
And the tongue of the dumb sing.
For waters shall burst forth in the wilderness,
And streams in the desert.
The parched ground shall become a pool,
And the thirsty land springs of water;
In the habitation of jackals, where each lay,
There shall be grass with reeds and rushes.

A highway shall be there, and a road,
And it shall be called the Highway of Holiness.
The unclean shall not pass over it,
But it shall be for others.
Whoever walks the road, although a fool,
Shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there,
Nor shall any ravenous beast go up on it;
It shall not be found there.
But the redeemed shall walk there,
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return,
And come to Zion with singing,
With everlasting joy on their heads.
They shall obtain joy and gladness,
And sorrow and sighing shall flee away. Isaiah 35:1-10 NKJV

The voice of my Father grows stronger and quiets everything else that has been vying for my attention. I still feel the pains and hurts of this journey but they are not dominating me. His arms of comfort and strength have encompassed me, allowing me to stand another day with a renewed vision of our destination.

Reflection

Where to begin? As 2008 is drawing to a close (in 13 more days) and many prepare to join with their families and celebrate, I've been reflecting. Typically I have enjoyed this time - it has provided an opportunity for me to give thanks for what God has done in my life and in my family. I've been able to see how we've grown, matured, etc.

This year was different. My time of reflection has been a struggle. Picture if you will a woman who has been running - it's been storming outside so her appearance is disheveled, hair wet and stuck to her face, clothes clinging to her, dirty from the times she has probably stumbled in the road. Tired. Hungry. Weary. Energy is lacking and to onlookers she appears confused but she continues - even though it seems that her journey has already been more than she can endure. Pictorially this is how I feel.

This has been a tough year for my corner. In my reflection, I see battle wounds. Some have scarred over and others are still in the process of healing. During times of battle there is often a climax, a turning point. This week has been that for me. I've thought I am so ready to close the door on 2008. Please let this end. Let this wretched year be over. Make it stop. I feel weak. Exhausted. Done. But then at this very juncture - something inside won't let me stop. Although it seems like thousands of voices cry for surrender, there is this One voice that urges me on. As I attempt to object my mind remembers a Sunday service where our pastor was talking about the battle being the most difficult before breakthrough. The mere thought of breakthrough turns me into a puddle of tears. I continue to hear the voice, urging me to fight. Stand firm. But I'm so weak, I counter. And yet, somehow, I feel a little bit stronger and the voice grows in volume still urging me to stand firm.

Empty. Broken. Battered. Bruised. Tired. Weak. Weary.

I stand.

Real and Raw

Just Friday I was talking about life's ups and downs and some of the components that help steady me through the coasters twists and turns.

Then Sunday, our Pastor encouraged us with a word about Faith that Changes Climates. He opened with Hebrews 10:36-39 - highlighting the following...

• to persevere because you will receive what he has promised.
• we need to live by faith and not shrink back
• believe and be saved.

He also referenced the parable about the seed and the sower and made the following distinction regarding growth - Some growth comes to those who hear the Word, understand the Word, and accept the Word as Truth, however 100% growth comes to those who hold fast to the Word. Essentially to persevere when everything else indicates no. To trust Him without time limits.

Sounds okay and ultimately it is the only way I know to survive. But sometimes....sometimes... this is just hard. Especially the "no limits" portion. It's easier to work through stuff when the light at the end of the tunnel can be seen - especially when you are goal-oriented like me. But how about when you can't see the light? You keep thinking, just around this turn or certainly we'll see it soon... So what happens when you don't? What happens when you think you are seeing the end only to have it appear to endlessly continue?

I don't really have any easy answers to these questions. All I know to do is stand - hold fast - pray. Even when I sometimes ask myself - is this enough? Can I/we survive this? Can I continue to endure? I'm tempted to think it would be easier to throw my hands up in defeat but something inside just won't let me do it. I can't. I won't. So I stand and keep moving forward. Choosing to trust without the limit of time and believing that He is true to His Word.

Just being real and raw here.

Will Not Be Moved by Natalie Grant

The Burning Question

This question references the promised follow-up to our praise regarding Simms surgery in April.

Words cannot truly express how thrilled we are that the surgery was a success. However, knowledge of this then begs the question - why is there still burning and what's causing that?

My delay in writing this post was partly because of life needing me elsewhere but it was also because I was waiting to see if we would receive the follow-up information from the surgeon. That hasn't happened yet.

So here is what we know at this point - which was also a result of the cystoscopy. The portion of the urethra that is distal from the corrected area is abnormal. He had used that term from a prior test - which was like an x-ray of the urethra - but this was with more detail because of the scope. Apparently this portion is quite irritated. Rather than being a pink fleshy color (like the inside of your cheek) it is whitish in color and flaky. He also explained that these flakes have been known to connect and form microscopic strictures throughout that portion of the urethra and hypothesized that this would be the cause of the burning that still occurs and fluctuates in severity.

So what do we do now?

The specialists response was that he needs time to think about this and connect with some of his friends and colleagues throughout the country.

Apparently we've gone outside the realm of routine surgery even for a specialist.

We've learned that at times a small portion of the urethra has been successfully corrected by using the submucosal tissue from the inside of your cheek. However this is typically done on small portions and the irritated area in Simms urethra doesn't qualify.

While the doctor thinks and discusses...I pray.

I confess I started to go down the wrong road of discouragement. Thankfully I was encouraged by my Father to not give up. Technically this is the first time that we have learned about what may have been the cause of burning since Simms' childhood. As a result my prayers have changed slightly - focusing on the new knowledge we now have.

If you are new and want all the detail regarding this journey of faith, you simply need to read the posts under this label from the bottom to the top.

The Praise

6 months. A critical time in our Journey of Faith.

A follow-up visit was scheduled with Simms urologist to complete a cystoscopy. This is actually the same procedure that was completed by the first urologist in his office without any form of anesthesia. Back then Simms was told he would merely feel a pinch of pain. Lets just say it was more than a pinch and the joking about the low pain tolerance of young men was not found humorous. This time the procedure was scheduled in the outpatient surgical center where Simms received anesthesia that allowed him to be in a state of twilight.

THE PRAISE. The procedure showed that although the area of surgery had narrowed somewhat (which is normal) there is NO SIGN of any stricture! Praise God! This has never happened before. I am so thrilled! This is truly an answer to prayer. Who am I kidding - it's an answer to many prayers from many people over an extended period of time. So join me! Rejoice with us! This portion of Simms body is healed! Amen!

So why is there still burning?

More tomorrow...

This Is What I See...

I've been thinking that someone who doesn't really know me and my family (or even maybe some who do) could feel overwhelmed by all the stuff we've been walking through these last few months.

Quite frankly, if I focus on the "stuff" (Simms surgery and recovery process - still in, Rayda's multiple surgeries and recovery process - still in, Dad C's surgery and recovery process - still in, and now my injury and recovery - still in), I feel overwhelmed too.

So what do I do?

I can't ignore it. That's just not my style.

We get through it - the process might not be pretty, but my mindset is that we are making it through this gunk no matter what.

So how do we do that?

Simply stated - I stand on what I know to be true. I hold fast to the promises of God and do not let go. I am not trying to oversimplify this but when all is crumbling around me I know that I know that I know that God is God - even through the tears, shock and whatever else hits.

Our Pastor has been talking about spiritual battles and encouraging us to stand firm. He has also taught on the peace of God - meaning that it conquers every fearful, chaotic place; all that is needed to conquer and prosper. This peace is both a weapon of defense and offense. (The above links go to our church's audio recording of the corresponding messages.)

I also choose to unconditionally trust Him.

Life is full of choices and I want to choose wisely. Not logically. Wisdom does not necessarily equal logic. Even though I am left-brained dominant and enjoy using logic and analysis - I do not - I can not simply rely on these abilities. So I leap and choose faith.

And in my heart of hearts I know that this really isn't a leap at all because God is God.

You see, man/science/etc would say that I am very lucky. A radiologist told Simms today that it is very difficult to actually dislocate your ankle without breaking/fracturing a bone and that usually surgery is needed with pins. Full recovery is 18-20 weeks. I am not fully recovered one week after the incident but somehow my ankle was both dislocated and relocated without a break or fracture! Thank you Jesus! I have a greater understanding as to why the ER Doctor stated that I tried to break my bone but was unsuccessful. I cannot allow myself to become discouraged but rather recognize the protection of the Father over my life and those that I love. So I continue to press in and pray - believing and trusting Him every step of the way. Literally.

Steadying the Emotional Side of Life

So our journey continues...

Simms returned to work yesterday of this week and began to experience some - let's just say complications / negative symptoms. We went to the doctor's today and he confirmed that Simms needs to continue to work from home for another week. However he was very upbeat and positive that the healing process is continuing on the right path. Thankfully modern technology and Simms' company allows him to work from home. I'll admit I was concerned but God is so good and has ministered to me so many times throughout today.

After I dropped Jeter off at school this morning Casting Crowns song Praise You In This Storm came across the radio. I was so encouraged. This is a snippet of what blessed me this morning.

I lift my eyes unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord - the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.

Later in the morning we received a call from Dad giving us an update on Rayda. The news wasn't great. I don't feel free to go into tremendous detail right now but will state that there was a Code Blue last night and now he is in ICU. Thankfully my life is not dictated by emotion or I would be such a wreck. Promises invited me to go for a walk and honestly I needed to get out of the house with Barber and do something and Simms needed to work from home. On the way to her house another song came on the radio. I don't think I've ever really listened to the lyrics before. Today I did and cried. I Believe In Love by Barlow Girl is below. It just plays the song and displays the lyrics. Sorry no pretty pictures that seemed to fit for me.

Rayda ~ if you are reading or listening to this, I just wanted to remind you how much I love you!!!



Finally, tonight when I was putting Jeter to bed after we prayed Rita Springer's Mansion played and I was immediately brought back to Monday morning - April 7th. The lyrics are below.

There is a mansion in Heaven
Where the King of Glory dwells
There is a banqueting table
The Father and His son have prepared

Where angels bow
And elders throw their crowns
All the beasts of the field
And the birds of the air will shout

Fill this house with Your glory my Lord
Fill this place with Your praise
Fill this house with Your presence
Ancient of days

There is a mansion in heaven
Where the King of Glory dwells
I come to the banqueting table
The Father and His son have prepared

And I bow down
And I throw down my crown
With the beasts of the field
And the birds of the air
I will shout

Fill my (our) life with Your glory my Lord
Fill my (our) heart with Your love
Fill my (our) soul with Your presence
I can't get enough

I am so thankful for God and the way He loves me and cares for my every need.

Journey of Faith

Tuesday April 8, 2008

Simms and I woke up at 4AM. This is something I do not recommend on a regular basis. I totally thought my alarm was a mistake! We got ready and arrived at Hershey Medical Center by the designated time of 5:30AM. We went through admissions and prep until about 7AM. I then kissed Simms and signed "I love you" as they wheeled him down the hallway, fingering the wedding ring that now hung around my neck. (He had to remove all jewelry).

I established myself on a couch in the waiting room preparing for time with God during the surgery - a predicted 5 hours. Songs of worship played in my mind while I crocheted - working on an afghan that Simms requested. I took breaks to eat my bagel and encourage those around me. First there was a father whose daughter is getting married and they are dealing with wedding woes. Next there was an entire family who joined me - they were all related to a sixteen year old that needed a kidney removed. I kept asking God if I was supposed to pray with anyone but didn't get that nudge so I talked and listened and encouraged - and silently prayed.

I heard from the doctor around 11:10AM - much earlier than expected. He told me the surgery went very well - there wasn't a need for a graft or patch (which was previously determined as necessary) and correction was not required for the other portion of his urethra either - "it didn't look like it did on the x-ray" were his words. Joy overflowed from me as I continued to praise and thank God for this answer to prayer.

Soon after that I was given Simms room number where I waited for him to join me after his stay in recovery. I continued to worship and crochet when something caught my eye. I looked up to see a small white feather floating past my face, confirming for me the words I was singing - Here in Your Presence. I smiled and thanked my Father for being with us through this entire journey. Amidst the unanswered questions, one thing is certain, this has truly been a Journey of Faith which continues to today...

Revelation

Monday April 7, 2008

Not really that different of a day except that I was busy getting everything set for MIA while preparing my boys for their week long stay with Grammie and Poppy and getting the last details attended to for Simms' surgery the next day. Doesn't that sound like an ordinary-run-of-the-mill day to you?

While talking to God that morning I was referencing the picture I had in my mind - the woman asking for healing for her daughter. In her desperation asking for a meager crumb from the table - relating herself to a dog. I was asking for the scraps again when I heard God say "no". Now I have to admit that initially I was a little shell-shocked. No? That's not very nice and certainly not the answer I was looking for. But He continued...He spoke to my spirit saying "No, I will not give you scraps. You are not dogs. You are my daughter. Simms is my son. Come and eat at the Father's table where the food is plentiful."

It was at this point that I was flooded with His love. Every concern and anxious thought was washed away and peace overflowed.

Did the circumstances change? No. But something was very different.

I entered a new level of expectancy for Simms' healing.

Next Leg of the Journey

March 2007. While shopping at Lowe's and gearing up for our spring projects, who is behind us in line but Simms' urologist. We chatted (like seriously what do you chat about with your urologist?!? Ask Simms. I was more like the penguins in the movie Madagascar 'just smile and wave boys. Smile and wave'.) and then while walking out to the car, Simms admitted to me that he needed to make another appointment.

The appointment was scheduled and we met with him in April 2007. It was apparent that the stricture had returned and another surgery was needed. The question was who. His urologist noted that there was a physician at Hershey Medical but he believed that his specialty was only pediatrics. Based on that, he referred us to Johns Hopkins or Eastern Virginia. We were leaning towards Eastern Virginia because they seemed to be cutting edge regarding urethral strictures. We just needed to get our insurance company to agree with us.

This began a long process which lasted for almost a full year. The insurance company would not approve anyone out of state and after an appeal they stated that there were over 40 urologists that were qualified for this procedure in the state of Pennsylvania. When those urologists were contacted there was only one who would even consider taking a look at Simms' case. If he refused after reviewing the information then we would gear up for a second appeal. Ironically the doctor who agreed to see us was the same one previously mistakened as specializing solely in pediatric care. It is true that he is a pediatric urologist however he also specializes in adult urethral strictures.

So we met with him. We liked him. He is confident but not overly-so. Simms was able to joke around with him while dealing with the seriousness of his condition. It was also helpful to personally know a number of his pediatric patients - all who have experienced success.

Surgery was scheduled for April 8, 2008.

Fasting and Praying

It was in this place of desperation that the next leg of our journey began.

After the healing service at our church I was crying out to God (silently) while snuggling with Barber in the glider. Tears were streaming down my face. I am amazed that Barber didn't seem to notice. Did God? I know He did but I felt like I needed to keep reminding Him how desperate I was for Simms to be healed. I told God I would do anything, give up anything if only He would say the word - glance Simms' way - just allow a smidgeon of His power to be released and take away the chronic pain my husband faces multiple times each and every day.

I then heard "Give up anything? What about chocolate?"

Discussion began to ensue in my mind - trying to establish whether this was from God or me. I finally determined that this isn't anything that I would choose to do on my own so it must be God. My fast began October 30, 2006. Here's the crazy thing - it was easy for me to give this up (another reason why I knew this wasn't me - at all) and every time I avoided the opportunity to partake in chocolate decadence I reminded myself to pray continuously for Simms' healing with renewed faith.

Meanwhile...

The Cry of Desperation

Simms was given a clean bill of health after the second surgery June 2006 but he could tell that the stricture had returned by August 2006. I tried to encourage him to return to the urologist but he assured me that it wasn't that bad - he just couldn't go through another procedure like that and not have the problem fixed. His logic was "why bother if it isn't going to work? I've lived with this for over 35 years, I can handle it for another 35." I did not have a sustainable rebuttal and therefore was grateful that he promised to return (to a urologist) if there was any sign of infection or blood.

In October 2006 our church was visited by a pastor who spoke about healing. I wrote about it here. Something I didn't write about was how I related to one of the Biblical stories that was referenced during his message.

Mat 15:22- 28 KJV+

And, behold, a woman of Canaan came out of the same coasts, and cried unto him, saying, Have mercy on me, O Lord, thou son of David; my daughter is grievously vexed with a devil. But he answered her not a word. And his disciples came and besought him, saying, Send her away; for she crieth after us. But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel. Then came she and worshiped him, saying, Lord, help me. But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs. And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters' table. Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.

So...how did I relate? To her desperation in wanting to see a loved one healed. She wouldn't give up. She was relentless. Even after being rejected and kind of humiliated, she kept at it. I sometimes felt like I was a nag, constantly asking God to heal Simms. Sometimes I even felt rejected when day after day nothing changed.

I knew God heard my prayers and cries of desperation. Now what? I'll give you a hint...it deals with chocolate.

The Journey Begins...

How do I even begin? Previously, I've mentioned that Simms has been dealing with physical pain that is chronic but didn't get too specific. I wanted to show respect for his privacy. I have since received clearance for the purpose of documenting this journey we've been on (which continues to today) and giving glory to God in each and every step.

I will never forget the day that I came home from work to our one bedroom apartment. I couldn't find Simms although his car was parked outside - it was only a one bedroom apartment - where could he possibly be? I then heard him calling from the bathroom telling me to "come here but don't freak out". Not exactly reassuring. He was sitting in a tub of freezing water. Why? Because he had a temperature of almost 105 earlier!!! I tried to remain calm but I was seriously freaking out on the inside. What was wrong with my husband? We got him to the doctor's and he was diagnosed with prostatitis. Over the next three years, he was diagnosed with this same condition 3-4 times. We then decided it was a good idea for him to see a urologist because that is just not normal. His first experience was - let's just say the urologist severely underestimated the "pinch of pain" he predicted Simms was going to experience. This is when we first learned that Simms had a urethral stricture.

What is a urethral stricture? It's basically a blockage of the urethra and you can read more about it here and here. Although quite uncommon, we've determined that Simms condition is congenital in nature - meaning he has had this his entire life and he thought it was normal to experience some pain when voiding. This just breaks my heart.

His first surgery was completed in 1999 with a lasting effect of 2 weeks. Quite discouraging. He commented that he would have preferred to have never known "normal" because that made it worse to go back to his prior experience of "normal". The phrase ignorance is bliss comes to mind. I had no idea what he was going through but I wanted my husband to be healed. I didn't want him to be in constant risk of infection or forced to live with pain.

Due to this horrendous experience, Simms refused to return to the original urologist and was also hesitant to pursue another. Finally he did (it was physically necessary) and plans were made for a second surgery in February 2006 with a minor procedure following a few weeks later. The results lasted for about six months.

At this juncture I must say I was so proud of Simms for protecting his heart spiritually. It would have been easy to just get disgusted and go down the "why me" road; to allow bitterness and anger to eat away at him. I know those questions were asked and uttered - there must have been moments when he questioned God (I know I did) - but the key is that neither of us ever stayed there. Simms didn't allow that to be his focus and yet he was reminded multiple times each and every day that he was not healed.

What happened next? My heart's cry of desperation. I'll elaborate tomorrow.