Living Intentionally

This has been something that I have been thinking about and in many ways applying to my everyday life.

As most families, we've experienced our share of ups and downs and have learned how to navigate our way through it, attempting to find balance. One way that I've accomplished this is by living intentionally - not just letting life happen but making and participating in the choices that I have the ability to make.

I know that I cannot control everything that happens to me or my family. I can't control the cancer in my Dad's body. I can't fix the residual ailments that still plague my Mom as a result of the sepsis. This is what we are living through now and it is not easy.

So what do I do with that? I can choose to become paralyzed and walk aimlessly through each day or I can be an active participant and maybe have a positive impact. I choose the latter. This does not mean every day goes as planned. Nor is my schedule always filled with things that I would choose to be doing. There are many nights I am just worn out and exhausted and sometimes I've awakened in that same state. But 'living intentionally' is what allows me to roll with the punches. This is why, no matter what happens, I can get up again.

Today I enjoyed watching Jeter and his team start the spring season of soccer. It was cold and Barber was getting a little antsy but I relished the fact that we were able to be there as a family.

Do you live intentionally? What does that look like in your everyday?

Raindrops on Roses

Today was one of those days where we all slept in just a little bit longer. Maybe it was because of the grey rainy morning we were to awake to or maybe we weren't quite finished with our dreams yet. Whatever the delay, it was long enough (but not too long) that our day started out at a relaxed and peaceful pace. Kind of like 'raindrops on roses'...

Simms was bringing the boys to the bus stop so I was able to stay in my comfy cozy pj's just a little bit longer. The boys got ready for school, ate breakfast and were ready to get their jackets on right on time. Simms was ready to go with time to spare to crush up some boxes for garbage day. I was able to get to the dishes in the dishwasher, start the coffee and make the lunches. I kissed the boys good-bye as they hurried to Daddy's car with Barber calling "don't forget 'I love yous!'". He's referring to me signing 'I love you' when they leave each morning. When I bring them to the bus, I sign 'I love you' as the bus rides away with them looking out their window. When Simms brings them in the morning, I sign 'I love you' out the family room window or the front door.

This morning was no exception.

I stepped away from the window with a smile on my face...and then I saw it. On the family room table, Jeter's open-ended Q&A from his homework. I've been talking to him of the importance of including a summarizing sentence at the end of his paragraph. He balked at me initially 'because it isn't required at school right now' but he came around and proudly read his well written paragraph last night. The night when he had a tight schedule of get home, complete his homework, practice trumpet, run on the treadmill (soccer conditioning), eat dinner and then we all went to Barber's community night for baseball. By the time we got home it was time for bed.

In seconds I had my crocs on and jacket zipped, hat on and homework inside my jacket - to keep it from getting wet. What a sight I must have been running down the sidwalk in my pink, white and grey striped pj's (you could see the bottoms), orange crocs and dark brown winter jacket. This wasn't a vogue moment for me - no this was a mom moment. I was definitely a mom-in-action and I really didn't care what my neighbors thought.

I ran toward the bus stop - the bus was already there - hoping I'd make it. I was two house lengths away when she started to drive around the corner (we live on a circle of sorts). I turned and sprinted down the way I came...I needed to cut her off! There was about nine house lengths between me and that bus. Thankfully, I made it and with a smile I completed my mission. I then heard the voice of one of my neighbors behind me (he lives on the other side of the circle) asking if I needed a ride home. I said 'sure that would be great' and got into the passenger seat in my crazy mis-matched, definitely not-ready-for-the-day, no make-up on look.

Wonderful. Definitely not auditioning for a real housewives show here.

The best part is, it really doesn't matter to me. The setting of my day hasn't changed. I am still in a place of rest and peace and now I even have something to giggle about.

Lessons in a Snow Tube

Have you ever learned something about yourself at a time when you least expected it?

That's what happened to me last Friday. We went snow tubing as a family. Simms and Jeter have gone in the past but this was going to be a new experience for Barber and me.

I went sledding when I was younger...and loved it. But let's face it, I was a teenager without a care in the world and a Long Island attitude that took on just about anything and everything. We'd go sledding at the local golf courses and I'd look for the iciest hill and even aim for the built jumps. And this was using the old fashioned wooden sleds when you were flat out on your stomach and came at everything head first and steering the sled as you went along. One time I flew so high when I came down my chin hit my sled. It hurt but I still came up with a huge smile on my face.

That's part of my past and I'm not a teenager anymore. Not only that...I'm a mom. I still love roller coasters and the thrill that they bring but those are a bit more predictable than sitting in a tube and going down a hill.

So what does a Momma like me do? I pray. Yup. I prayed for safety and protection and that we would have a lot of fun as a family and make some great memories.

We first went down as a family - all four of us. That was fast and fun and the smiles were bursting from our faces and giggles overflowing.

Then we went down in pairs. Simms took Barber and I went with Jeter. The smiles, giggles and squeals of joy continued until Jeter and I went in lane #5. I'm going to guess we were about half way down when his tube started to go up the bank of the lane. And there I am, his Mom, holding onto a handle of his tube, sliding down a hill of ice and there is nothing physical (that I know of anyway) that I can do. I know it all happened in a matter of seconds but in my mind, it plays in slow motion...his tube kept going up the bank and when it was about halfway I hear myself cry out "Jesus!" and just like that, his tube righted itself and we continued spinning down to the bottom.

Jeter thought that was the best run ever! Seriously?!? I'm thinking 'you almost flipped over crazy boy'! And then I remember that he is my son - a nine year old who is simply enjoying the ride of his life.

I also realized something about myself. In those crazy seconds, I definitely felt concerned and realized my limitations but dread did not come over me. I was not paralyzed by fear but rather cried out - almost instinctively - to the One who is capable of altering my circumstances in mere seconds.

I've learned a lot on this journey...some of which has yet to be realized...but one thing is certain, I'm enjoying the glimpses into what the Father is doing.

Love, love, L-O-V-E

Valentines Day...a day to let the ones you love know how very special they are. Granted I agree that this shouldn't be saved for just one day each year but I don't mind taking extra time on this day for the loves in my life.

This is something that my Dad has done for YEARS. My sister and I always knew that Mom was his #1 Valentine and love of his life, but Dad always made sure to let us know that there was plenty of room in his heart for each of us too. He always had a box of chocolates for us and plenty of hugs and kisses. It didn't matter what happened at school that day - who got flowers or special notes, who didn't - I always knew I was loved and valued.

And this love continues to the next generation. Who knew this would be part of Dad's legacy. Jeter wished each of us a Happy Valentines Day this morning and had a candy for each of us too. Simms told me last night that Barber asked his Daddy if they could go to the store and buy me a ring. Too cute - what a precious heart. Obviously they didn't. But, I don't need a ring...just their hugs and kisses and love is more than enough for me. My two little guys found a love note from me today at their seats with a heart-shaped box of chocolates - reminding them that they are special, a treasured blessing from God, and that they are loved.

One thing is different about this Valentine's Day. Dad goes for his first chemotherapy treatment. Promises is bringing him today...I'm bringing him next time. I talked to him this morning and wished him a Happy Valentine's Day. I also prayed with my Dad and told him how much I loved him. I wanted to talk to Mom next but I knew Dad was filling out a card for her and I didn't want to interrupt their time together...the two cutest sweethearts I know.

Next step...get to work on my to-do lists...except the song(s) that 88.1 Word FM has been playing throughout this morning caused a change in plans. Talk about getting wrecked and encouraged all at the same time. It's all good though...He's just reminding me that He loves me a whole bunch too.

Daddy...my 1st Valentine.




Rescue by Desperation Band

You are the source of the life
I can’t be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There’s no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

Healing is in His Hands

Winter blues. They say that some people are affected by the weather and lack of sun. I don't doubt that. That being said, this winter, even if I wanted to, I haven't had time to sit around and feel all 'bluey'.

Completely random thought here (and nothing to do with this post) - who first came up with 'blue' as synonymous for sad? I personally like the color blue - it's refreshing and calming to me. And if you noticed, when there is a lack of sunlight in the sky it's usually because of the clouds that keep the sunlight out - which to me are white or a stormy-looking grey.

So...why has my winter been so busy? Well, I don't really have time to go into all the details but long story short, my Mom was hit hard with pneumonia and a staph infection in her blood - originally diagnosed as influenza. She was admitted to the hospital (SICU) December 30th and was then transferred to a Rehabilitation Hospital January 11th. She continues to progress and is scheduled to be discharged home next week where she will continue to receive therapy as an outpatient. Needless to say, our family (includes my family and my sister's family) have been busy caring for both Mom and Dad. No time for the 'blues'. No need for it either. We've had so many people - family, friends, and prayer warriors at churches of family and friends and our own - covering us daily in prayer.

We've stated that we are living a testimony right now...and everyone that is linked to us through this is living it too.

If you know me or have even been reading this blog for any length of time, then you know that I just absolutely love music and that what draws me in more than anything else is the lyrics. This song has definitely ministered to me quite a bit - especially over the past 3 weeks.

Teeter-Totter

Balance.

Did you ever try to balance a book on your head? I did that when I was little...then I tried to walk. It quickly slid off. That settled it...no modeling career for me in the future. Joking aside, it seems that the ability to stay balanced becomes increasingly difficult as the number of things you are focused on increases.

My house lacks balance at the moment. Could be that I've added baking and candy-making, wrapping the presents, crafting with the boys, preparing special things for the teachers at school and I still have two presents to find (!!!) to my daily focus of tasks. Laundry, dishes, preparing meals - even if it's eggs for dinner, and just cleaning in general. Oh - getting back to regular exercise would be good too. Looks like I'll be starting week 1 day 1 again.

And then you have my family. Specifically my Dad.

My heart wants to spend every single second of every single day with him. What would I do? Hold his hand. Watch some old western on TV that I have absolutely no interest in but I would be with him. Talk. Maybe play Yahtzee. Refill his glass of water. Listen to his life stories again, again and again. Just love him.

And then there's Mom. This precious woman who will sacrifice everything in her life for those she loves. I want to be there for her every second of every day. To help ease her responsibilities and decrease the stress that she feels. To remind her that this isn't all on her shoulders. To give her the freedom to go get some shopping done or just sit and chat - sharing both smiles and tears.

I haven't even mentioned my sister. We grew up spending almost every second of every day together! No wonder she's my bestest friend. I want to sit and talk and share a cup of coffee - de-stress together. To giggle over the stages of our boys and encourage each other as moms and wives. And then, to take a moment and forget all of our responsibilities and have some 'girl' time would be absolutely lovely.

That's the nuclear family I started with. Now I have my own nuclear family.

I'm a wife to Simms - a most amazing and understanding man - he is seriously my best friend. I can't believe we will celebrate 17 years in less than a month. Seriously seems like just yesterday I walked into Zoology Lab and spent the evening using dichotomous keys and laughing at his jokes. Fast forward to current life - I'm also a mom of two sweet boys. And they need their Mommy. They need me to pack their lunches, help them get their coats on, give them kisses and hugs before they leave for school. To pray for them while they are at school. I'm also there to check their homework, help fix their Lego's that fell apart and now there's a piece missing that needs to be found. We read together. I tickle them - trust me, they need that too.

I haven't even mentioned the network of aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, Rayda, Papa or Mima.

Now, on top of all of this, enter emotions. As if it was even possible to find balance to all of the above, this is a certain factor to throw things way of of whack.

Needless to say, the book is constantly falling off my head lately. And I keep picking it back up. I'm a fighter like my Dad. I see the challenge in front of me and I know that I cannot take care of it all by myself. BUT, this is the secret that keeps me going - I guess since, I'm going to share it with you it isn't a secret anymore.

Ready...wait for it...I'm not alone.

That's it. No one that loves me expects me to get it all done by myself. We're a team and thankfully, the huddle has grown. An added bonus to all of this is that I trust the play-caller. Don't always understand the play and I sometimes don't agree with it...but I still trust Him.

The Core of our Huddle

Happy Birthday Daddy

Today my Dad is officially 71 years old! He has outlived the longest living male in his family line by 2-1/2 years now. Go Daddy go!

If you are a regular reader here at my corner then you know how special my Daddy is to me. I've written about some of Dad's Rules around Christmas and the various Traditions he has instilled, His favorite cake and how we watched my first Superbowl together. He has always been my valentine - shared with my sister of course. And we are both still Daddy's Little Girl. To top off these memories, the one that seems to resonate with me today is the fact that no one prayed like my Dad and the security that gave me when I was scared or needed some comfort.

When my Dad prays he doesn't use super big words but there is a passion and strength that is there.

That passion and strength has always been part of him...it's just evolved over time. He was born in 1939 and grew up on the streets of New York City. His family lived on a German block in Queens - that wasn't the name of the street but the families on that block came over from Germany. He has told me how it wasn't easy being ridiculed, being called 'Nazi' and targeted by bullies. He never joined a gang. His Dad (my Poppy) taught him how to fight and I still recall a story where he cheered my Dad on as he defended himself against another boy. They moved out of the city when he was sixteen. He told me that he and his dad witnessed a fight where switchblades were pulled and used. Apparently my Poppy defined that type of fight as 'unfair' and determined it was time to move the family.

I can't imagine growing up like that. Always on the defense. It's taught in psychology classes that the typical response to threatening situations are fight or flight. I don't know if my Dad comprehends 'flight'. I'm not sure it is part of his vocabulary. I'm just kidding about the latter...well sort of.

My Dad invited God to be a part of his life when he was thirty-three years old. I was a toddler. As a little girl, the fighter part of my Dad became my defender. I knew that no one would hurt me or my family because my Daddy took care of us. I'm sure every little girl sees her Daddy as her hero but I remember times when I felt threatened by someone and my Dad had words with that individual and then everything was a-ok. Sometimes I wish I knew what he had said and then I think that I'm better off not knowing.

As an adolescent, the fighter part of my Dad was truly annoying. I felt like he always had to be right and we battled verbally - especially when I knew he was definitely wrong and I was right. LOL.

As an adult I understand where the fighter in my Dad came from. It is still sometimes annoying - just being honest - but I've also seen it change. The real strength of this trait is when he prays. He never gives up. He never gives in. He fights and fights and fights because He knows that his Daddy- Abba - is in his corner, cheering him on.

As Chris Tomlin sings in Our God is Greater...

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

The Tone. The Glare. The Attitude.

Do you read a lot of parenting books? I don't. That doesn't mean I've never read any books about parenting. I definitely did my share of reading during my first pregnancy and then some more during the first year of motherhood. But for me - how do I say this nicely - no one author deserves the honor of know-it-all on the topic of parenting.

By the same token, there are some general principals and applications that are true. For example, typically at the age of two, children are learning boundaries and at the age of three they attempt to see how far they can push those boundaries. Those statements are generally true for all children. Where the variation lies is the specifics of how to get through those phases.

So...how do I get through it? I ask God for help. That may sound like a cop-out but hear me out first. He's the One that created these kiddos and He knows them best. I know them pretty well - probably better than most. Simms could say the same. This is definitely due to the fact that we both see a bit of each of us in each of them. The good, the not-so-good if we don't get a handle on it, and what I like to call we are going to handle and get through this - like it or not. Yet, even with all of that knowledge, He still knows them better.

How does this stuff break-down practically speaking? This is my take on it - my job is to ask and listen. He is the One that has to provide the solutions and I need to employ those solutions.

So how does that work? I have a great and current example to give you.

Have you heard of the pre-teen years. I don't know exactly when they are supposed to officially start. What I do know is that we have at least entered a phase of them. My choices, as I see them, are the following - #1 run and hide and hope for the best, #2 yell and scream and hope my neighbors have a good set of earplugs and #3 apply the above (ask for, listen to, and execute the given solution) trusting that we will get through this phase just like we have in the past.

You do realize that options #1 and #2 are not real options, right? Not for this momma anyway.

Please know that selecting option #3 does not necessarily equate to smooth sailing. No way. It does mean that I am fully prepared to roll up my sleeves and get into the muck of life with them. I am ready for the long haul if needed and I will not quit.

I love these boys and my hearts desire is for them to fulfill every plan and purpose that God has for their lives.

Okay...back to pre-teen angst. I know it is another phase that leads to Jeter becoming more independent and defining who he is. I get that and actually this is a really good thing. I want him to continue to mature into the young man that he was called and created to be. I just don't like the tone that seems to be accompanying the process. This tone isn't always directed at me. No - it doesn't seem to be a respecter of persons. All you have to do is cross the path of the tone and it's there. The tone also seems to have a buddy - I'll refer to it as the glare. Not really a fan of the glare either. Both of these things seem to precipitate from the attitude that finds it necessary to be right and prove that rightness at the expense of everything and anything. Please note, none of this is "official" - meaning I don't have an citations to make. It's merely from observations that I've made due to life experience...meaning I'm living this right now with my 9 year old.

My goal? To deal with the tone, glare and attitude without having too many casualties in the process. You may think I am joking. I'm not. I want the yucky stuff out and the good stuff - which ultimately is a positive growth in Jeter's independence and identity - to thrive.

That is the general goal. I think everyone could agree to this.

How am I doing that? You're curious about the specifics? Here is the latest tactic. In the midst of the chaos that ensues when the tone, the glare and the attitude show up, I ask this question - Are you glorifying God right now?

Granted, for you to employ this tactic, that means that your child / pre-teen has to have a foundational understanding of what this means. Mine does. Did it work? Yes!

This is what it looked like the first time in our home...

Me: Jeter, you need to get ready for soccer practice.

Jeter: Okay.

So far no problem. He then comes down in a t-shirt and shorts...mind you it is below 50 degrees outside.

Me: Jeter, that is not enough. You need to wear your underarmour.

Jeter: I don't know where it is.

Me: Okay. If you can't find it then you will need to wear a long sleeve shirt under the t-shirt and a sweatshirt.

Jeter: A sweatshirt? Why?!? (picture instant presence of tone, glare and attitude).

Me: Because it is cold outside.

Jeter: Mom. No. It's not that cold. And I'll be running around. Why don't you find my stuff for me.

Me: Jeter, that is your responsibility and you are running out of time. Get upstairs and finish getting ready now. (there was definitely a bit of emphasis placed on the 'now' in that last statement)

Jeter goes upstairs. Did I mention that his cousins were over? Oh and that I spent the day teaching Promises how to make homemade icing and decorate a soccer cake for Brady as well as taking care of the cake that I was decorating for Jeter's team party?

Meanwhile, upstairs I find Jeter sitting on his bed.

Me: Jeter, pick out a sweatshirt now.

Jeter: No! You don't understand! I'll be running around and I get hot and sweaty so much that I'm going to die if you make me put on the sweatshirt!!!

Me: You have a choice - sweatshirt or underarmour.

Jeter: I don't have a choice because you are going to make me wear a sweatshirt and I can't find the underarmour which is probably in the laundry that you haven't done yet...

Me: (yes, I interrupted him) Jeter, stop there. You're right. Mommy is behind on the laundry but what have I been doing today for you?

Jeter: The cake. But you didn't have to make it. You could have done something else. You chose to do it.

He is correct, I chose to make the cake but the design became more complex because my sweet boys began to "dream" about what the cake could look like and I started to dream with them. I have to admit, right now option #2 was looking really really good and our volume had definitely raised over the course of the above conversation. Thankfully, I took a breathe, walked to another room with Jeter, and silently prayed. When I say 'prayed' insert 'desperately pleaded with the Father'. That is when He told me to ask Jeter the above question and I did.

Me: Jeter, all of this - your actions and words, is it glorifying God?

He stopped. His eyes seemed to soften and as he looked away from me I heard him say 'no'.

Me: Okay then. Please go to your room and talk to God - get your heart right. Then you will need to apologize to me and to your cousins before I bring you to soccer practice.

He did it! He didn't like it but he did it. I heard him in his room having it out with God. That's okay with me. I think that's how I sound sometimes when I'm talking to God, getting through a tough time. He exited his room tone-free, glare-free and attitude-free!!! With a changed heart, he apologized to me and his cousins then he quickly finished getting ready and we got to practice about 5 minutes late.

As he jogged to his team for practice, I looked on with eyes of admiration. I believe that Jeter grew today, right before my eyes.

How Deep is that Well?

This afternoon, after I was surrounded by 18 first graders for over an hour, I stopped by my parents and just spent time with them until I had to pick up the boys from the bus stop. I could have just gone straight home, gotten another load of laundry done and finish up the dishes that got dirty from my meal prep earlier today. I also have carpets and floors that need attention, surfaces that need to be wiped down and more laundry. There is always laundry. But I just wanted to hang out with two of my best friends...my mom and dad.

There wasn't anything super special...Dad had an old t-shirt on and a baseball cap. He still has that sparkle in his eye. It's just difficult to ignore the fact that those same sparkly blue eyes look tired and because I love and know him, I notice how uncomfortable he really is even though he's trying not to show it.

This afternoon, I'm allowing my Father to comfort me and give me peace.

This is one of my favorite songs / hymns. I have two versions below. If you are super conservative, you will enjoy the instrumental of the first one. If you like when a new edge/flair is added, then you will definitely like the second.

Me? I dabble in both - I have a love and taste for the original and I enjoy when the feeling of the song is still there even when the artist has tinkered with the arrangement. I cannot even tell you how many times I've listened to both of these. So if you're like me, live dangerously and listen to both of them. Just not at the same time. Now that would be silly.

NOTE: hit the pause button on the player in the right margin.

Life is like...

How would you complete that sentence?

You might say "a box of chocolates" quoting Forrest Gump. He follows that up with the statement "you never know what you are going to get". I don't know about you but my favorite box of chocolates comes with a diagram that tells me exactly what is in that box. I personally favor the truffles and avoid the coconut.

For me, the best analogy right now is that it is like a football game and I am on the team of the underdogs. I'm sure this has everything to do with the fact that I watched Facing the Giants with my boys last night. If you have never seen this movie, I highly recommend it. There are just a lot of great nuggets that can apply to life...no matter what you are walking through.

Here are some of the most meaningful applications for me:

* There is a scene where the coach asks his player to do the 'death walk/crawl' (the player carries someone on their back and walks on all fours - only feet and hands touching the ground). He blindfolds the player and asks him to give him his best. The following isn't verbatim (I don't write that fast) so just know it's paraphrased...

Coach: Give me your best

Player: It hurts

Coach: Keep going. Don't quit.

Player: It burns. Am I there yet? It burns.

Coach: Give me your best. It's all heart from here.

Note...the player ends up going all the way to the end zone of the field!

*Miscellaneous Quotes that mean so much to me right now...

Your effort was real good tonight. You have nothing to be ashamed of...praise God when you win and praise Him when you lose.

Sounds like your fear is about to collide with your faith.

I will still love you.

Whatever happens You get the glory.

I believe as long as we honor God, nothing is impossible...now, who will go fight the Giants with me?

Remember today...you held nothing back, you did not stop fighting, you did not quit.

* At the end of the movie, the teams leader on the defense (he plays on the line) is exhausted. This is the State Championship game and they are in the final moments of the fourth quarter. The opposition has possession. The player tells his coach I'm done. Someone else has to lead. His coach counters I need you. Can you give me four more downs? The players response? He agrees to four more and calls to his line Stonewall. Exhausted, they rally together and prevent the opposition from crossing into the end zone. Frustrated, the opposing team chooses to go for it on fourth down rather than taking the field goal. The defense holds the line and they regain control of the ball.

Sometimes I feel like it's the fourth quarter and I'm done. I'm exhausted and feel like I've done everything I can. It hurts. It burns. Physically...spiritually...emotionally. And then somehow I'm stirred to keep going...as if I'm being asked if I can give four more downs. Just four more. Thankfully, I know I'm not really in the thick of things alone. My family is here and we're all walking through this together. There are also many friends and loved ones and many others who are praying - with us and for us. Essentially WE are all linking arms together and standing to form the Stone Wall.

Thank you.

Now we need to prepare for rain.

If you don't know what that last statement means, you just really got to watch this movie. It is that good.

Walking Through Quicksand

Life marches on.

It doesn't really matter what you're going through or what loved ones are facing, the second hand keeps ticking and time continues. What's a girl to do? This one keeps on moving - even if it feels like quicksand - attempting to live in the now and handle stuff as it comes.

How does that look right now?

It means that I smile at Barber as he learns to swim the breaststroke - even though I know my Dad was planning to be there but couldn't because of the pain he was experiencing that morning. Yes, even as I type that, it brings tears to my eyes but I cannot allow that sadness to steal my joy. My joy as a mom witnessing her son experiencing some success. Yes, he still has the safety of his instructor's hand under his stomach and his head barely goes below the surface of the water, BUT his arms and legs are following the pattern that his instructor exemplified and that puts a smile on my face no matter what is going on.

It means that I take joy in having my parents and sister's family over for an impromptu dinner. Nothing fancy (Salsa Stoup and Double Decker Quesadillas - thank you Rachel Ray) but the time to sit and talk with one another around the dinner table is priceless.

It means that I attempt to give 100%...whether it is watching the boys play/practice soccer, reading a book together, snuggling with Barber while he shows me all the cool things in a science / toy magazine, making lunches for the boys, tying laces to soccer cleats or sneakers, listening to Jeter practice the trumpet, etc.

It means that I'm still working on my menu planning (I do two weeks at a time), laundry, try to keep milk in the refrigerator, etc.

It also means that when I hear a song on the radio and/or am thinking/praying for my Dad that I let the tears come to my eyes and even slide down my cheeks.

Truth is, I'm pretty good at most of this stuff most of the time. Some days are a little more difficult than others. Periodically there is a day when I feel like I didn't do anything. But I can't afford to get stuck there...I have to pick myself up again because if I don't then I'm going to miss out on parts of life - and in real life there is no pause or rewind button. Although that would be a nice feature to have regarding laundry because I have definitely fallen behind again. Actually a fast forward button would be great to have when it comes to laundry. hahaha.

Meanwhile, here's a song that got to me today...

In Process...

Our computer was missing in action for about two months. Scratch that - not the computer but the internet connection was on the fritz. It's finally fixed and I was so ready to jump online and talk about some of the fun stuff we've been experiencing - like soccer games, a soccer tournament, how my fall menu plan has been going, etc. But then life got a little nuts meaning I found evidence of a mouse in our house.

That just drives me NUTSO. Not so much the mouse itself but the disease / germs that it carries with it.

Then Simms caught the mouse in our house...and then another one...and then another one...and then another one.

I'm praying we're finally done.

Needless to say I haven't had time to sit and 'relax' and type away.

Rather, I've been washing and scrubbing and throwing away and reorganizing and buying bins and filling those bins...all because of an annoying critter that got confused and mistakenly took the Campbell abode for it's own. And then he had the boldness to invite three of his friends! Talk about the nerve of an uninvited guest.

Guess what? My house still does not look like it's back together again.

Amidst this chaos, my Dad is finally having some tests run again. He has finished the regimen of treatment that he was undergoing and we've been believing for good news. In the natural it really is not appearing to be so great. His PSA level has increased almost 5 times the amount it was before he began this treatment the end of August. That's essentially two months. No wonder he has been experiencing pain in the evening. I'm astounded that he is doing as well as he is. Have you ever heard of someone having a PSA of 560? I haven't either until now. That would be my Dad.

My reaction? Mixed really. I think it helped that I had been having my own time of worship for over an hour before I had heard the news from my parents. Being in His presence is really a good thing. I'd say I'm in process - it's taking me time to digest the news and I know there is more coming (he just had an MRI completed yesterday).

Some of what's going on in my head...

• I'm thankful that I trust my Dad to the Father. This allows for me to have peace amidst the chaos.


• I've been pondering what Mary, Martha and Lazarus went through when Lazarus was ill, died and then was brought back to life by Jesus. I remember scoffing at the sisters when they were upset that Jesus hadn't returned soon enough to heal their brother. I'm seeing things a bit differently now. This is sure to be discussed in a future post.


• My heart is blessed when I hear the prayers that are uttered by Jeter and Barber for their Poppy. They both know that no matter what, Poppy will be healed...it's just that they (like their Mommy) would prefer it to take place this side of heaven.


• I'm trying to guard my heart against cynicism.

I'd like to just be "normal" again but then I have to ask what is that really? Who defines normal and what criteria determines this? So maybe less chaos then?

My current solution while I'm in this process...allowing His presence to envelope me and continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Oh, and giving myself permission to have a little bit of chocolate if I really want it. I'm also trying to give myself permission to take a break and just be. If you know me, you know that the last statement is so not easy for me to do...even when I need it. Ultimately, I'm holding on to the One who knows me best and loves me unconditionally.

BTW...the picture above was taken in Sonoma, California. We were there for my cousins wedding. Simms and I went with Mom and Dad to a couple of vineyards. Those are my parents hands. I think it's one of my favorite photos right now.

Rollercoaster's are Supposed to be Fun

Two is Better than One by Boys Like Girls featuring Taylor Swift



This is the song that Simms and I are singing at my cousins wedding this weekend. We've been practicing throughout the summer and we are ready to go - Simms has his high notes down and I'm loving the alto part.

Part 2 of my Dad's treatment is tomorrow morning at 8 AM. I hate the fact that my emotions are up and down like a roller coaster. I can't even blame it on my monthly 'friend' and quite frankly I don't always know that something is going on inside of me (emotionally speaking).

What does the one have to do with the other. Directly, not a thing. Indirectly - everything. Simms came home from work today and popped in the music so we could practice. As soon as he started to sing my eyes began to well up with tears and I was wondering why I was being so effected this time. I tried to join him on the chorus ...maybe it's true that I can't live without you... and realized why I was such a wreck. Dad and Mom. My relationship with my Dad. My Mom and Dad's relationship. As much as this song could be sung about my cousin and her sweet fiance or Simms and I, I was thinking about this really cute couple I know who have loved each other through so much...and still do.

Not to worry cuz if you're reading this...I got it under control and sang fine later on this evening. Probably best that this hit me now rather then the day of the wedding.

Now if I can just get these emotions under control 24/7...

Thankfully I really do have the greatest, most understanding guy in the world and I truly can't imagine my life without him.

Lighting Up My Sky

Faith

You may be familiar with the verse that states ...faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1 NIV

Some say that faith is a cop-out. It's something you do or say because you can't deal with the facts.

From my experience, faith has given me the strength to deal with the facts. I face the facts - sometimes over analyze them - and it's because I choose to believe in One that is greater that I am able to not be stalemated by these same facts.

FACT: Today I learned that my Dad's PSA has jumped to 119.3. It was just in the 60's two weeks ago and about 4 weeks prior to that it was in the 50's. These are the facts and quite honestly, they seem unreal when you look at my Dad and he's not experiencing severe pain - if any at all. I'm not complaining about his lack of pain but it's a bit mind-boggling considering in 2005 he was essentially bedridden when his PSA was 17.1.

FACT: His bone scan supports the above facts. The cancer has become increasingly aggressive and more of his bone is under attack. Currently it's throughout his spinal column, his hips, and its creeping up his ribs. A spot has also developed on his skull as well as his leg - I believe it's his femur.

FAITH: My subsequent response? Honestly, I've succumbed to tears a few times today. How can I not? It's my Daddy we're talking about here. I've already exercised this morning (before I got the news) but I think I need another jog to help de-stress. Music is also a HUGE balm for my soul. Beyond that I continue to choose to trust God in the midst of the reality of the current circumstances.

What is faith to you?

Daddy Knows Best

"...I'll always be the little girl in your heart"

That's the last line of the song that I danced with my Daddy on my wedding day. No matter how old I am, I am still his little girl and in his eyes I can still see me looking up at him, standing on his feet, holding his hands and "dancing".

I don't know why exactly but that is the present memory on my mind today. Could it be a result of my Dad's most recent bone scan? Maybe. I don't really want to talk about that right now.

Instead, I'm going to share something that happened this summer. We were in church. Amidst the time of worship, communion, offering, etc. God and I were having a conversation. Can I just tell you how much I like the notes application of my iTouch?

Anyway, it just so happened that on this morning, my parents were helping to serve communion to the section that Simms and I were sitting in. As they were doing so I felt Him ask, Are you going to trust me even when your Daddy's life is on the line. I've learned that trust and faith cannot be based on emotion - it is truly a choice. I silently responded in the affirmative. As if on cue, I look up and only my mom is there to get the plates after communion. Where is my Dad? No idea. I look around (trying not to appear frantic) and I hear the question Do you still trust me? Even if it doesn't turn out the way you want or believe? I see my Mom smiling and helping others and I type in my notes application With faith, I still say YES.

At the end of service, I see my parents walking down the aisle, hand in hand, to serve in altar ministry and I hear Him whisper, It's not time yet.

You Might Rabbit You Might

Two months is a long time. It's almost 60 days...1/6th of a year...approximately 1440 hours.

A lot has happened over the last two months and yet there is a lot that is the same. Hmmm...I could say that about this little blog - longer time frame but although a lot has happened (and been posted) the heart of it is the same. Why? Because the writer is me.

My babies are growing into independent boys and our family roles have adapted and adjusted accordingly. There has been struggles and successes in our lives and the lives of those we've loved. Sometimes I've talked about it a lot. Other times, I've held it close to my chest - maybe it was too personal to share or it was too difficult to get it into words. There have been many times that I've wanted to sit and write but I either felt like I didn't have the luxury of time to give to this blog or I just couldn't decide what to write about first. Honestly the controversy is still brewing in my head...

So there is the "problem". My solution? I'm going to take a little bit of time, attempt to capture what's been going on and then move forward.

In July I wrote in my journal (the offline one)

Thankful...this is the place my heart is. It doesn't mean that everything is the way I'd want it to be - Dad still has cancer, projects are not 100% complete and schedules are still busy - but my heart is thankful for today. I'm enjoying the now and learning to be more purposeful in the moment rather than wasting it by contemplating and planning for what happens next.

This doesn't mean I'm no longer a planner...that is still part of the way He created me. I'm simply learning how to rest in Him - enjoying the current season and allowing Him to prepare me for the next leg of the journey.

So...what have I been doing / enjoying / treasuring during this season? So glad you asked.

• Reading to my boys...love this and cannot even begin to talk about all the benefits of this!


• Listening to Barber read to me.


• Completing various projects and/or crafts with the boys


• Going to Hershey Park - riding The Great Bear with Jeter for the first time, watching Barber conquer various fears and enjoying Tiny Timbers, the Mini Scrmbler, the Airplane, Hot Air Balloons and even going down the little water slide with a smile on his face!


• Teaching Jeter how to wear contacts. Children really learn so much faster than adults!


• Enjoying having Jeter help me cook and bake. Yes, my boys will be skilled in all areas of the household...no stereotypes here.


• Working with Barber in the pool and celebrating his success of swimming the width of it all by himself!


• Making memories with my family - simple statement that encompasses so many activities and moments.


• Being introduced to organic lollipops by my sister - love them!


• Nurturing friendships with some amazing ladies - cafe time is truly time well spent.


• Flag football - this consumed more time than we anticipated this summer but I will never forget watching Jeter make an interception and run for a touchdown or Jeter's passes at QB becoming more precise and on target, giggling at Barber growling at his opponent when he was lined up on defense, and finally, witnessing my boys exhibit good sportsmanship.


• Completing the Couch to 5K Running Plan with Jeter. What an awesome feat. Jeter's endurance is definitely improved and even though he has begun school, I am still jogging my 30 minutes three times a week.


• Implementing a laundry system and staying on top of it successfully.


• Introducing Looney Tunes to the boys - which they love by the way.


• Getting more involved with my community - on the field with the boys and their families or in the classroom at their schools.


• Admiring the artistry of our Creator in the majestic landscapes of the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon and Zion National Park.

Okay...that feels so much better. I can write about the present without feeling like I've dishonored the past 60 days. However, if there is anything in the above that you want me to expand on please let me know (leave a comment) and I will elaborate. Promise. Let me guess...Looney Tunes right? You want to hear me quote Bugs and Daffy? I'd be happy to comply. Just let me know.

Summer and my Footwear

When I think of summertime, I fondly remember the days at the beach with my family and friends. I wouldn't change a thing, but I'd be dishonest if I said I didn't miss the close proximity of beaches. Even so, the pool satisfies my need for summer sun and refreshment.

Needless to say, these orange beauts are often donned.



So why are my feet being shoved into these three times each week with socks? It's summer and I really like my sandals.One reason is that my ankle is doing much better - I'm probably at 95% or more - and I need to exercise again. Seriously, this girl needs to get back to a healthy lifestyle and I need to do something that I enjoy and will have a long-term effect.

I was never an athlete but I always enjoyed going for a run - or what I would call a jog. That was the best stress reliever for me during my college years and also saved me from the freshman 15 that seemed to loom over every college gal.

The running was never competitive for me. It was time where I could just be - I could take a break from the books, papers, lab write-ups, etc. And I always felt great afterwards.

Fast forward almost 20 years...I'll spare you the details but suffice it to say this gal has not had running shoes on for quite sometime. Two babies later - there is definitely more than 15 pounds that have stuck to this bod and baby fat is not an excuse anymore when my babies are 6 and 9.

Meanwhile, although Jeter has been playing rec soccer for the last five seasons, this past spring he joined a travel soccer league. We've definitely witnessed him step up his game play but we've also noticed he could improve in the area of endurance.

Here is where my great idea comes into play...Jeter and I should exercise together this summer!

We decided to follow the couch to 5K running plan and are in the third week right now. Here are some of the memories we've made thus far

Week One: 5 minute warm-up; 60 seconds jogging / 90 seconds walking for a total of 20 minutes.

• Mom...this water is like gold! Stated by Jeter upon our return to home the first day.
• During every "jog" portion of our exercise, he always was way ahead of me. He then would double back to meet me during our "walk" portion.
• The gap between us could have been humiliating to me - an obvious reminder of how out-of-shape I am. But he never laughed at me or made fun of me. I made sure to thank him for this.

Week Two: 5 minutes warm-up; 90 seconds jogging / 2 minutes walking for a total of 20 minutes.

• The gap between us during our "jog" portions became a bit less although it still existed.
• I am both cherishing and looking forward to the time we get to exercise together.
• I am feeling stronger but I know things are only going to increase.

Week Three: 5 minutes warm-up; 90 second jog / 90 second walk / 3 minute jog / 3 minute walk - complete the cycle two times.

• The time-frame for jogging has doubled (the three minute portion) and I've learned how blessed I am to have Jeter as an exercise partner. We mutually encourage each other!
• I had been concerned about the gap there was between us when we were jogging the first week (which was only 60 seconds each interval) - how far ahead of me would he be in Week 7 when we are jogging for 23 consecutive minutes? This week I've realized that will not be a concern. He is working on endurance and as the time increased to 3 consecutive minutes I could see that this program is benefiting both of us. We were essentially together the entire time.

So what happens to Barber while we exercise? Thank God for family! My sister Promises and my parents have helped to be with him each MWF. What a tremendous blessing they have been because this would not be possible without their help and support.

I Will Follow You...

Let The Waters Rise by MIKESCHAIR

There are still Tears but I'm Trusting

Trust In Me Now by Cadia

I know you’re past
The point of breaking
Into pieces
I know you feel
Like there’s no reason
Even worth this
And when you cry
The tears that fall
Don’t even touch your pain

Even though you feel alone
Even though your strength is gone
As your weary heart just tries to hold on
Even if your faith is lost
Even if it’s hard to trust
In a love that would let the rain fall down
Trust In Me now

I can hear
Every prayer that goes unspoken
I feel the weight
Of everything that’s on your shoulders
Don’t give up
There is nothing we can’t overcome

CHORUS

I can see what you can’t see
I will hold you close to me
Through the storm until you see the light

CHORUS

My World Is Shaking

Warning...this is heavy-duty heart stuff.

I hesitate to write because I know I'm hurting right now. At the same time, writing helps me process and heal and stay emotionally stable amidst the stuff that life brings.

My Dad has cancer. Many of you know that...but you wouldn't necessarily know it to see him.

He's been battling it since 1998. It's prostate cancer and although it seemed like it was taken care of back then and was ruled "cancer free" it reared it's ugly head again and again. Without all the wretched details, his battle changed in 2006 when tests revealed that the cancer was impacting his bone (not in it but on it). He's experienced great success with hormone therapy but that isn't working anymore.

So...he's at a crossroads...

I'm feeling really weak right now. Teary. This is my Daddy we're talking about. The one who I knew always had my back. No one in my neighborhood with mess with me or my sister because they'd have him to deal with. This is one of my best friends we're talking about; someone that I could just sit and chat with for hours. This is the Poppy to my boys - who does all he can to be at their games, cheering them on. Who loves them so much and their still too young to really comprehend it. This is a man who isn't perfect but made choices that changed the spiritual path of our family for eternity. He's made mistakes - but who hasn't? God sees the heart and his heart is tender.

I HATE CANCER.

I do. I was taught not to hate because it means that you dislike something so much you wish it was dead / nonexistent. So throughout my life when there was something that I really really really didn't like I would say that I disliked it to the point of hate. Guess what? That is exactly how I feel about cancer except it truly crosses the line to hate. I despise it and the havoc it wreaks on families. We've had to say good-bye to too many family members because of cancer and although I know there is the promise of seeing them again in eternity but that knowledge isn't cutting it for me right now. Just being real and raw at the moment.

It's not taking my tears away but I know that HE knows what I'm going through.