Lessons in a Snow Tube

Have you ever learned something about yourself at a time when you least expected it?

That's what happened to me last Friday. We went snow tubing as a family. Simms and Jeter have gone in the past but this was going to be a new experience for Barber and me.

I went sledding when I was younger...and loved it. But let's face it, I was a teenager without a care in the world and a Long Island attitude that took on just about anything and everything. We'd go sledding at the local golf courses and I'd look for the iciest hill and even aim for the built jumps. And this was using the old fashioned wooden sleds when you were flat out on your stomach and came at everything head first and steering the sled as you went along. One time I flew so high when I came down my chin hit my sled. It hurt but I still came up with a huge smile on my face.

That's part of my past and I'm not a teenager anymore. Not only that...I'm a mom. I still love roller coasters and the thrill that they bring but those are a bit more predictable than sitting in a tube and going down a hill.

So what does a Momma like me do? I pray. Yup. I prayed for safety and protection and that we would have a lot of fun as a family and make some great memories.

We first went down as a family - all four of us. That was fast and fun and the smiles were bursting from our faces and giggles overflowing.

Then we went down in pairs. Simms took Barber and I went with Jeter. The smiles, giggles and squeals of joy continued until Jeter and I went in lane #5. I'm going to guess we were about half way down when his tube started to go up the bank of the lane. And there I am, his Mom, holding onto a handle of his tube, sliding down a hill of ice and there is nothing physical (that I know of anyway) that I can do. I know it all happened in a matter of seconds but in my mind, it plays in slow motion...his tube kept going up the bank and when it was about halfway I hear myself cry out "Jesus!" and just like that, his tube righted itself and we continued spinning down to the bottom.

Jeter thought that was the best run ever! Seriously?!? I'm thinking 'you almost flipped over crazy boy'! And then I remember that he is my son - a nine year old who is simply enjoying the ride of his life.

I also realized something about myself. In those crazy seconds, I definitely felt concerned and realized my limitations but dread did not come over me. I was not paralyzed by fear but rather cried out - almost instinctively - to the One who is capable of altering my circumstances in mere seconds.

I've learned a lot on this journey...some of which has yet to be realized...but one thing is certain, I'm enjoying the glimpses into what the Father is doing.

Love, love, L-O-V-E

Valentines Day...a day to let the ones you love know how very special they are. Granted I agree that this shouldn't be saved for just one day each year but I don't mind taking extra time on this day for the loves in my life.

This is something that my Dad has done for YEARS. My sister and I always knew that Mom was his #1 Valentine and love of his life, but Dad always made sure to let us know that there was plenty of room in his heart for each of us too. He always had a box of chocolates for us and plenty of hugs and kisses. It didn't matter what happened at school that day - who got flowers or special notes, who didn't - I always knew I was loved and valued.

And this love continues to the next generation. Who knew this would be part of Dad's legacy. Jeter wished each of us a Happy Valentines Day this morning and had a candy for each of us too. Simms told me last night that Barber asked his Daddy if they could go to the store and buy me a ring. Too cute - what a precious heart. Obviously they didn't. But, I don't need a ring...just their hugs and kisses and love is more than enough for me. My two little guys found a love note from me today at their seats with a heart-shaped box of chocolates - reminding them that they are special, a treasured blessing from God, and that they are loved.

One thing is different about this Valentine's Day. Dad goes for his first chemotherapy treatment. Promises is bringing him today...I'm bringing him next time. I talked to him this morning and wished him a Happy Valentine's Day. I also prayed with my Dad and told him how much I loved him. I wanted to talk to Mom next but I knew Dad was filling out a card for her and I didn't want to interrupt their time together...the two cutest sweethearts I know.

Next step...get to work on my to-do lists...except the song(s) that 88.1 Word FM has been playing throughout this morning caused a change in plans. Talk about getting wrecked and encouraged all at the same time. It's all good though...He's just reminding me that He loves me a whole bunch too.

Daddy...my 1st Valentine.




Rescue by Desperation Band

You are the source of the life
I can’t be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There’s no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

Healing is in His Hands

Winter blues. They say that some people are affected by the weather and lack of sun. I don't doubt that. That being said, this winter, even if I wanted to, I haven't had time to sit around and feel all 'bluey'.

Completely random thought here (and nothing to do with this post) - who first came up with 'blue' as synonymous for sad? I personally like the color blue - it's refreshing and calming to me. And if you noticed, when there is a lack of sunlight in the sky it's usually because of the clouds that keep the sunlight out - which to me are white or a stormy-looking grey.

So...why has my winter been so busy? Well, I don't really have time to go into all the details but long story short, my Mom was hit hard with pneumonia and a staph infection in her blood - originally diagnosed as influenza. She was admitted to the hospital (SICU) December 30th and was then transferred to a Rehabilitation Hospital January 11th. She continues to progress and is scheduled to be discharged home next week where she will continue to receive therapy as an outpatient. Needless to say, our family (includes my family and my sister's family) have been busy caring for both Mom and Dad. No time for the 'blues'. No need for it either. We've had so many people - family, friends, and prayer warriors at churches of family and friends and our own - covering us daily in prayer.

We've stated that we are living a testimony right now...and everyone that is linked to us through this is living it too.

If you know me or have even been reading this blog for any length of time, then you know that I just absolutely love music and that what draws me in more than anything else is the lyrics. This song has definitely ministered to me quite a bit - especially over the past 3 weeks.

Hope Anthem

HOPE ANTHEM - Will Matthews & Christa Black

He's awakening the hope in me
By calling forth my destiny
He's breathing life into my soul
I thirst for Him and Him alone

He has come like the rain
That showers on a barren land
So my heart and tongue confess
Jesus Christ hope of man

MY HOPE IS IN YOU GOD
I AM STEADFAST I WILL NOT BE MOVED
I'M ANCHORED NEVER SHAKEN
ALL MY HOPE IS IN YOU
ALL MY HOPE IS IN YOU

He's bringing hope to the hopeless
Giving His heart to the broken
Sharing His home with the orphan
He is the joy, He is my joy!

He is the hope of the nations
The father's heart we're embracing
He is the song we're declaring
He is the joy, He is my joy!

Those who wait on the Lord
Will not be put to shame
Those who sow in tears
We will reap in joy

Joy comes in the morning light
Joy comes in the morning light

There's joy in the waiting
There's hope in the waiting
Do you believe it?
Do you believe it?

He's awakening the hope in me
By calling forth my destiny

Teeter-Totter

Balance.

Did you ever try to balance a book on your head? I did that when I was little...then I tried to walk. It quickly slid off. That settled it...no modeling career for me in the future. Joking aside, it seems that the ability to stay balanced becomes increasingly difficult as the number of things you are focused on increases.

My house lacks balance at the moment. Could be that I've added baking and candy-making, wrapping the presents, crafting with the boys, preparing special things for the teachers at school and I still have two presents to find (!!!) to my daily focus of tasks. Laundry, dishes, preparing meals - even if it's eggs for dinner, and just cleaning in general. Oh - getting back to regular exercise would be good too. Looks like I'll be starting week 1 day 1 again.

And then you have my family. Specifically my Dad.

My heart wants to spend every single second of every single day with him. What would I do? Hold his hand. Watch some old western on TV that I have absolutely no interest in but I would be with him. Talk. Maybe play Yahtzee. Refill his glass of water. Listen to his life stories again, again and again. Just love him.

And then there's Mom. This precious woman who will sacrifice everything in her life for those she loves. I want to be there for her every second of every day. To help ease her responsibilities and decrease the stress that she feels. To remind her that this isn't all on her shoulders. To give her the freedom to go get some shopping done or just sit and chat - sharing both smiles and tears.

I haven't even mentioned my sister. We grew up spending almost every second of every day together! No wonder she's my bestest friend. I want to sit and talk and share a cup of coffee - de-stress together. To giggle over the stages of our boys and encourage each other as moms and wives. And then, to take a moment and forget all of our responsibilities and have some 'girl' time would be absolutely lovely.

That's the nuclear family I started with. Now I have my own nuclear family.

I'm a wife to Simms - a most amazing and understanding man - he is seriously my best friend. I can't believe we will celebrate 17 years in less than a month. Seriously seems like just yesterday I walked into Zoology Lab and spent the evening using dichotomous keys and laughing at his jokes. Fast forward to current life - I'm also a mom of two sweet boys. And they need their Mommy. They need me to pack their lunches, help them get their coats on, give them kisses and hugs before they leave for school. To pray for them while they are at school. I'm also there to check their homework, help fix their Lego's that fell apart and now there's a piece missing that needs to be found. We read together. I tickle them - trust me, they need that too.

I haven't even mentioned the network of aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, Rayda, Papa or Mima.

Now, on top of all of this, enter emotions. As if it was even possible to find balance to all of the above, this is a certain factor to throw things way of of whack.

Needless to say, the book is constantly falling off my head lately. And I keep picking it back up. I'm a fighter like my Dad. I see the challenge in front of me and I know that I cannot take care of it all by myself. BUT, this is the secret that keeps me going - I guess since, I'm going to share it with you it isn't a secret anymore.

Ready...wait for it...I'm not alone.

That's it. No one that loves me expects me to get it all done by myself. We're a team and thankfully, the huddle has grown. An added bonus to all of this is that I trust the play-caller. Don't always understand the play and I sometimes don't agree with it...but I still trust Him.

The Core of our Huddle

Happy Birthday Daddy

Today my Dad is officially 71 years old! He has outlived the longest living male in his family line by 2-1/2 years now. Go Daddy go!

If you are a regular reader here at my corner then you know how special my Daddy is to me. I've written about some of Dad's Rules around Christmas and the various Traditions he has instilled, His favorite cake and how we watched my first Superbowl together. He has always been my valentine - shared with my sister of course. And we are both still Daddy's Little Girl. To top off these memories, the one that seems to resonate with me today is the fact that no one prayed like my Dad and the security that gave me when I was scared or needed some comfort.

When my Dad prays he doesn't use super big words but there is a passion and strength that is there.

That passion and strength has always been part of him...it's just evolved over time. He was born in 1939 and grew up on the streets of New York City. His family lived on a German block in Queens - that wasn't the name of the street but the families on that block came over from Germany. He has told me how it wasn't easy being ridiculed, being called 'Nazi' and targeted by bullies. He never joined a gang. His Dad (my Poppy) taught him how to fight and I still recall a story where he cheered my Dad on as he defended himself against another boy. They moved out of the city when he was sixteen. He told me that he and his dad witnessed a fight where switchblades were pulled and used. Apparently my Poppy defined that type of fight as 'unfair' and determined it was time to move the family.

I can't imagine growing up like that. Always on the defense. It's taught in psychology classes that the typical response to threatening situations are fight or flight. I don't know if my Dad comprehends 'flight'. I'm not sure it is part of his vocabulary. I'm just kidding about the latter...well sort of.

My Dad invited God to be a part of his life when he was thirty-three years old. I was a toddler. As a little girl, the fighter part of my Dad became my defender. I knew that no one would hurt me or my family because my Daddy took care of us. I'm sure every little girl sees her Daddy as her hero but I remember times when I felt threatened by someone and my Dad had words with that individual and then everything was a-ok. Sometimes I wish I knew what he had said and then I think that I'm better off not knowing.

As an adolescent, the fighter part of my Dad was truly annoying. I felt like he always had to be right and we battled verbally - especially when I knew he was definitely wrong and I was right. LOL.

As an adult I understand where the fighter in my Dad came from. It is still sometimes annoying - just being honest - but I've also seen it change. The real strength of this trait is when he prays. He never gives up. He never gives in. He fights and fights and fights because He knows that his Daddy- Abba - is in his corner, cheering him on.

As Chris Tomlin sings in Our God is Greater...

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

The Tone. The Glare. The Attitude.

Do you read a lot of parenting books? I don't. That doesn't mean I've never read any books about parenting. I definitely did my share of reading during my first pregnancy and then some more during the first year of motherhood. But for me - how do I say this nicely - no one author deserves the honor of know-it-all on the topic of parenting.

By the same token, there are some general principals and applications that are true. For example, typically at the age of two, children are learning boundaries and at the age of three they attempt to see how far they can push those boundaries. Those statements are generally true for all children. Where the variation lies is the specifics of how to get through those phases.

So...how do I get through it? I ask God for help. That may sound like a cop-out but hear me out first. He's the One that created these kiddos and He knows them best. I know them pretty well - probably better than most. Simms could say the same. This is definitely due to the fact that we both see a bit of each of us in each of them. The good, the not-so-good if we don't get a handle on it, and what I like to call we are going to handle and get through this - like it or not. Yet, even with all of that knowledge, He still knows them better.

How does this stuff break-down practically speaking? This is my take on it - my job is to ask and listen. He is the One that has to provide the solutions and I need to employ those solutions.

So how does that work? I have a great and current example to give you.

Have you heard of the pre-teen years. I don't know exactly when they are supposed to officially start. What I do know is that we have at least entered a phase of them. My choices, as I see them, are the following - #1 run and hide and hope for the best, #2 yell and scream and hope my neighbors have a good set of earplugs and #3 apply the above (ask for, listen to, and execute the given solution) trusting that we will get through this phase just like we have in the past.

You do realize that options #1 and #2 are not real options, right? Not for this momma anyway.

Please know that selecting option #3 does not necessarily equate to smooth sailing. No way. It does mean that I am fully prepared to roll up my sleeves and get into the muck of life with them. I am ready for the long haul if needed and I will not quit.

I love these boys and my hearts desire is for them to fulfill every plan and purpose that God has for their lives.

Okay...back to pre-teen angst. I know it is another phase that leads to Jeter becoming more independent and defining who he is. I get that and actually this is a really good thing. I want him to continue to mature into the young man that he was called and created to be. I just don't like the tone that seems to be accompanying the process. This tone isn't always directed at me. No - it doesn't seem to be a respecter of persons. All you have to do is cross the path of the tone and it's there. The tone also seems to have a buddy - I'll refer to it as the glare. Not really a fan of the glare either. Both of these things seem to precipitate from the attitude that finds it necessary to be right and prove that rightness at the expense of everything and anything. Please note, none of this is "official" - meaning I don't have an citations to make. It's merely from observations that I've made due to life experience...meaning I'm living this right now with my 9 year old.

My goal? To deal with the tone, glare and attitude without having too many casualties in the process. You may think I am joking. I'm not. I want the yucky stuff out and the good stuff - which ultimately is a positive growth in Jeter's independence and identity - to thrive.

That is the general goal. I think everyone could agree to this.

How am I doing that? You're curious about the specifics? Here is the latest tactic. In the midst of the chaos that ensues when the tone, the glare and the attitude show up, I ask this question - Are you glorifying God right now?

Granted, for you to employ this tactic, that means that your child / pre-teen has to have a foundational understanding of what this means. Mine does. Did it work? Yes!

This is what it looked like the first time in our home...

Me: Jeter, you need to get ready for soccer practice.

Jeter: Okay.

So far no problem. He then comes down in a t-shirt and shorts...mind you it is below 50 degrees outside.

Me: Jeter, that is not enough. You need to wear your underarmour.

Jeter: I don't know where it is.

Me: Okay. If you can't find it then you will need to wear a long sleeve shirt under the t-shirt and a sweatshirt.

Jeter: A sweatshirt? Why?!? (picture instant presence of tone, glare and attitude).

Me: Because it is cold outside.

Jeter: Mom. No. It's not that cold. And I'll be running around. Why don't you find my stuff for me.

Me: Jeter, that is your responsibility and you are running out of time. Get upstairs and finish getting ready now. (there was definitely a bit of emphasis placed on the 'now' in that last statement)

Jeter goes upstairs. Did I mention that his cousins were over? Oh and that I spent the day teaching Promises how to make homemade icing and decorate a soccer cake for Brady as well as taking care of the cake that I was decorating for Jeter's team party?

Meanwhile, upstairs I find Jeter sitting on his bed.

Me: Jeter, pick out a sweatshirt now.

Jeter: No! You don't understand! I'll be running around and I get hot and sweaty so much that I'm going to die if you make me put on the sweatshirt!!!

Me: You have a choice - sweatshirt or underarmour.

Jeter: I don't have a choice because you are going to make me wear a sweatshirt and I can't find the underarmour which is probably in the laundry that you haven't done yet...

Me: (yes, I interrupted him) Jeter, stop there. You're right. Mommy is behind on the laundry but what have I been doing today for you?

Jeter: The cake. But you didn't have to make it. You could have done something else. You chose to do it.

He is correct, I chose to make the cake but the design became more complex because my sweet boys began to "dream" about what the cake could look like and I started to dream with them. I have to admit, right now option #2 was looking really really good and our volume had definitely raised over the course of the above conversation. Thankfully, I took a breathe, walked to another room with Jeter, and silently prayed. When I say 'prayed' insert 'desperately pleaded with the Father'. That is when He told me to ask Jeter the above question and I did.

Me: Jeter, all of this - your actions and words, is it glorifying God?

He stopped. His eyes seemed to soften and as he looked away from me I heard him say 'no'.

Me: Okay then. Please go to your room and talk to God - get your heart right. Then you will need to apologize to me and to your cousins before I bring you to soccer practice.

He did it! He didn't like it but he did it. I heard him in his room having it out with God. That's okay with me. I think that's how I sound sometimes when I'm talking to God, getting through a tough time. He exited his room tone-free, glare-free and attitude-free!!! With a changed heart, he apologized to me and his cousins then he quickly finished getting ready and we got to practice about 5 minutes late.

As he jogged to his team for practice, I looked on with eyes of admiration. I believe that Jeter grew today, right before my eyes.

How Deep is that Well?

This afternoon, after I was surrounded by 18 first graders for over an hour, I stopped by my parents and just spent time with them until I had to pick up the boys from the bus stop. I could have just gone straight home, gotten another load of laundry done and finish up the dishes that got dirty from my meal prep earlier today. I also have carpets and floors that need attention, surfaces that need to be wiped down and more laundry. There is always laundry. But I just wanted to hang out with two of my best friends...my mom and dad.

There wasn't anything super special...Dad had an old t-shirt on and a baseball cap. He still has that sparkle in his eye. It's just difficult to ignore the fact that those same sparkly blue eyes look tired and because I love and know him, I notice how uncomfortable he really is even though he's trying not to show it.

This afternoon, I'm allowing my Father to comfort me and give me peace.

This is one of my favorite songs / hymns. I have two versions below. If you are super conservative, you will enjoy the instrumental of the first one. If you like when a new edge/flair is added, then you will definitely like the second.

Me? I dabble in both - I have a love and taste for the original and I enjoy when the feeling of the song is still there even when the artist has tinkered with the arrangement. I cannot even tell you how many times I've listened to both of these. So if you're like me, live dangerously and listen to both of them. Just not at the same time. Now that would be silly.

NOTE: hit the pause button on the player in the right margin.

Life is like...

How would you complete that sentence?

You might say "a box of chocolates" quoting Forrest Gump. He follows that up with the statement "you never know what you are going to get". I don't know about you but my favorite box of chocolates comes with a diagram that tells me exactly what is in that box. I personally favor the truffles and avoid the coconut.

For me, the best analogy right now is that it is like a football game and I am on the team of the underdogs. I'm sure this has everything to do with the fact that I watched Facing the Giants with my boys last night. If you have never seen this movie, I highly recommend it. There are just a lot of great nuggets that can apply to life...no matter what you are walking through.

Here are some of the most meaningful applications for me:

* There is a scene where the coach asks his player to do the 'death walk/crawl' (the player carries someone on their back and walks on all fours - only feet and hands touching the ground). He blindfolds the player and asks him to give him his best. The following isn't verbatim (I don't write that fast) so just know it's paraphrased...

Coach: Give me your best

Player: It hurts

Coach: Keep going. Don't quit.

Player: It burns. Am I there yet? It burns.

Coach: Give me your best. It's all heart from here.

Note...the player ends up going all the way to the end zone of the field!

*Miscellaneous Quotes that mean so much to me right now...

Your effort was real good tonight. You have nothing to be ashamed of...praise God when you win and praise Him when you lose.

Sounds like your fear is about to collide with your faith.

I will still love you.

Whatever happens You get the glory.

I believe as long as we honor God, nothing is impossible...now, who will go fight the Giants with me?

Remember today...you held nothing back, you did not stop fighting, you did not quit.

* At the end of the movie, the teams leader on the defense (he plays on the line) is exhausted. This is the State Championship game and they are in the final moments of the fourth quarter. The opposition has possession. The player tells his coach I'm done. Someone else has to lead. His coach counters I need you. Can you give me four more downs? The players response? He agrees to four more and calls to his line Stonewall. Exhausted, they rally together and prevent the opposition from crossing into the end zone. Frustrated, the opposing team chooses to go for it on fourth down rather than taking the field goal. The defense holds the line and they regain control of the ball.

Sometimes I feel like it's the fourth quarter and I'm done. I'm exhausted and feel like I've done everything I can. It hurts. It burns. Physically...spiritually...emotionally. And then somehow I'm stirred to keep going...as if I'm being asked if I can give four more downs. Just four more. Thankfully, I know I'm not really in the thick of things alone. My family is here and we're all walking through this together. There are also many friends and loved ones and many others who are praying - with us and for us. Essentially WE are all linking arms together and standing to form the Stone Wall.

Thank you.

Now we need to prepare for rain.

If you don't know what that last statement means, you just really got to watch this movie. It is that good.

Walking Through Quicksand

Life marches on.

It doesn't really matter what you're going through or what loved ones are facing, the second hand keeps ticking and time continues. What's a girl to do? This one keeps on moving - even if it feels like quicksand - attempting to live in the now and handle stuff as it comes.

How does that look right now?

It means that I smile at Barber as he learns to swim the breaststroke - even though I know my Dad was planning to be there but couldn't because of the pain he was experiencing that morning. Yes, even as I type that, it brings tears to my eyes but I cannot allow that sadness to steal my joy. My joy as a mom witnessing her son experiencing some success. Yes, he still has the safety of his instructor's hand under his stomach and his head barely goes below the surface of the water, BUT his arms and legs are following the pattern that his instructor exemplified and that puts a smile on my face no matter what is going on.

It means that I take joy in having my parents and sister's family over for an impromptu dinner. Nothing fancy (Salsa Stoup and Double Decker Quesadillas - thank you Rachel Ray) but the time to sit and talk with one another around the dinner table is priceless.

It means that I attempt to give 100%...whether it is watching the boys play/practice soccer, reading a book together, snuggling with Barber while he shows me all the cool things in a science / toy magazine, making lunches for the boys, tying laces to soccer cleats or sneakers, listening to Jeter practice the trumpet, etc.

It means that I'm still working on my menu planning (I do two weeks at a time), laundry, try to keep milk in the refrigerator, etc.

It also means that when I hear a song on the radio and/or am thinking/praying for my Dad that I let the tears come to my eyes and even slide down my cheeks.

Truth is, I'm pretty good at most of this stuff most of the time. Some days are a little more difficult than others. Periodically there is a day when I feel like I didn't do anything. But I can't afford to get stuck there...I have to pick myself up again because if I don't then I'm going to miss out on parts of life - and in real life there is no pause or rewind button. Although that would be a nice feature to have regarding laundry because I have definitely fallen behind again. Actually a fast forward button would be great to have when it comes to laundry. hahaha.

Meanwhile, here's a song that got to me today...

In Process...

Our computer was missing in action for about two months. Scratch that - not the computer but the internet connection was on the fritz. It's finally fixed and I was so ready to jump online and talk about some of the fun stuff we've been experiencing - like soccer games, a soccer tournament, how my fall menu plan has been going, etc. But then life got a little nuts meaning I found evidence of a mouse in our house.

That just drives me NUTSO. Not so much the mouse itself but the disease / germs that it carries with it.

Then Simms caught the mouse in our house...and then another one...and then another one...and then another one.

I'm praying we're finally done.

Needless to say I haven't had time to sit and 'relax' and type away.

Rather, I've been washing and scrubbing and throwing away and reorganizing and buying bins and filling those bins...all because of an annoying critter that got confused and mistakenly took the Campbell abode for it's own. And then he had the boldness to invite three of his friends! Talk about the nerve of an uninvited guest.

Guess what? My house still does not look like it's back together again.

Amidst this chaos, my Dad is finally having some tests run again. He has finished the regimen of treatment that he was undergoing and we've been believing for good news. In the natural it really is not appearing to be so great. His PSA level has increased almost 5 times the amount it was before he began this treatment the end of August. That's essentially two months. No wonder he has been experiencing pain in the evening. I'm astounded that he is doing as well as he is. Have you ever heard of someone having a PSA of 560? I haven't either until now. That would be my Dad.

My reaction? Mixed really. I think it helped that I had been having my own time of worship for over an hour before I had heard the news from my parents. Being in His presence is really a good thing. I'd say I'm in process - it's taking me time to digest the news and I know there is more coming (he just had an MRI completed yesterday).

Some of what's going on in my head...

• I'm thankful that I trust my Dad to the Father. This allows for me to have peace amidst the chaos.


• I've been pondering what Mary, Martha and Lazarus went through when Lazarus was ill, died and then was brought back to life by Jesus. I remember scoffing at the sisters when they were upset that Jesus hadn't returned soon enough to heal their brother. I'm seeing things a bit differently now. This is sure to be discussed in a future post.


• My heart is blessed when I hear the prayers that are uttered by Jeter and Barber for their Poppy. They both know that no matter what, Poppy will be healed...it's just that they (like their Mommy) would prefer it to take place this side of heaven.


• I'm trying to guard my heart against cynicism.

I'd like to just be "normal" again but then I have to ask what is that really? Who defines normal and what criteria determines this? So maybe less chaos then?

My current solution while I'm in this process...allowing His presence to envelope me and continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Oh, and giving myself permission to have a little bit of chocolate if I really want it. I'm also trying to give myself permission to take a break and just be. If you know me, you know that the last statement is so not easy for me to do...even when I need it. Ultimately, I'm holding on to the One who knows me best and loves me unconditionally.

BTW...the picture above was taken in Sonoma, California. We were there for my cousins wedding. Simms and I went with Mom and Dad to a couple of vineyards. Those are my parents hands. I think it's one of my favorite photos right now.

Lighting Up My Sky

Faith

You may be familiar with the verse that states ...faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1 NIV

Some say that faith is a cop-out. It's something you do or say because you can't deal with the facts.

From my experience, faith has given me the strength to deal with the facts. I face the facts - sometimes over analyze them - and it's because I choose to believe in One that is greater that I am able to not be stalemated by these same facts.

FACT: Today I learned that my Dad's PSA has jumped to 119.3. It was just in the 60's two weeks ago and about 4 weeks prior to that it was in the 50's. These are the facts and quite honestly, they seem unreal when you look at my Dad and he's not experiencing severe pain - if any at all. I'm not complaining about his lack of pain but it's a bit mind-boggling considering in 2005 he was essentially bedridden when his PSA was 17.1.

FACT: His bone scan supports the above facts. The cancer has become increasingly aggressive and more of his bone is under attack. Currently it's throughout his spinal column, his hips, and its creeping up his ribs. A spot has also developed on his skull as well as his leg - I believe it's his femur.

FAITH: My subsequent response? Honestly, I've succumbed to tears a few times today. How can I not? It's my Daddy we're talking about here. I've already exercised this morning (before I got the news) but I think I need another jog to help de-stress. Music is also a HUGE balm for my soul. Beyond that I continue to choose to trust God in the midst of the reality of the current circumstances.

What is faith to you?

Daddy Knows Best

"...I'll always be the little girl in your heart"

That's the last line of the song that I danced with my Daddy on my wedding day. No matter how old I am, I am still his little girl and in his eyes I can still see me looking up at him, standing on his feet, holding his hands and "dancing".

I don't know why exactly but that is the present memory on my mind today. Could it be a result of my Dad's most recent bone scan? Maybe. I don't really want to talk about that right now.

Instead, I'm going to share something that happened this summer. We were in church. Amidst the time of worship, communion, offering, etc. God and I were having a conversation. Can I just tell you how much I like the notes application of my iTouch?

Anyway, it just so happened that on this morning, my parents were helping to serve communion to the section that Simms and I were sitting in. As they were doing so I felt Him ask, Are you going to trust me even when your Daddy's life is on the line. I've learned that trust and faith cannot be based on emotion - it is truly a choice. I silently responded in the affirmative. As if on cue, I look up and only my mom is there to get the plates after communion. Where is my Dad? No idea. I look around (trying not to appear frantic) and I hear the question Do you still trust me? Even if it doesn't turn out the way you want or believe? I see my Mom smiling and helping others and I type in my notes application With faith, I still say YES.

At the end of service, I see my parents walking down the aisle, hand in hand, to serve in altar ministry and I hear Him whisper, It's not time yet.

I Will Follow You...

Let The Waters Rise by MIKESCHAIR

There are still Tears but I'm Trusting

Trust In Me Now by Cadia

I know you’re past
The point of breaking
Into pieces
I know you feel
Like there’s no reason
Even worth this
And when you cry
The tears that fall
Don’t even touch your pain

Even though you feel alone
Even though your strength is gone
As your weary heart just tries to hold on
Even if your faith is lost
Even if it’s hard to trust
In a love that would let the rain fall down
Trust In Me now

I can hear
Every prayer that goes unspoken
I feel the weight
Of everything that’s on your shoulders
Don’t give up
There is nothing we can’t overcome

CHORUS

I can see what you can’t see
I will hold you close to me
Through the storm until you see the light

CHORUS

My World Is Shaking

Warning...this is heavy-duty heart stuff.

I hesitate to write because I know I'm hurting right now. At the same time, writing helps me process and heal and stay emotionally stable amidst the stuff that life brings.

My Dad has cancer. Many of you know that...but you wouldn't necessarily know it to see him.

He's been battling it since 1998. It's prostate cancer and although it seemed like it was taken care of back then and was ruled "cancer free" it reared it's ugly head again and again. Without all the wretched details, his battle changed in 2006 when tests revealed that the cancer was impacting his bone (not in it but on it). He's experienced great success with hormone therapy but that isn't working anymore.

So...he's at a crossroads...

I'm feeling really weak right now. Teary. This is my Daddy we're talking about. The one who I knew always had my back. No one in my neighborhood with mess with me or my sister because they'd have him to deal with. This is one of my best friends we're talking about; someone that I could just sit and chat with for hours. This is the Poppy to my boys - who does all he can to be at their games, cheering them on. Who loves them so much and their still too young to really comprehend it. This is a man who isn't perfect but made choices that changed the spiritual path of our family for eternity. He's made mistakes - but who hasn't? God sees the heart and his heart is tender.

I HATE CANCER.

I do. I was taught not to hate because it means that you dislike something so much you wish it was dead / nonexistent. So throughout my life when there was something that I really really really didn't like I would say that I disliked it to the point of hate. Guess what? That is exactly how I feel about cancer except it truly crosses the line to hate. I despise it and the havoc it wreaks on families. We've had to say good-bye to too many family members because of cancer and although I know there is the promise of seeing them again in eternity but that knowledge isn't cutting it for me right now. Just being real and raw at the moment.

It's not taking my tears away but I know that HE knows what I'm going through.

The Constant

God is God - that's all I got today. That's the truth I hold onto. Amidst the tears and prayers...that never changes. Amidst the uncertainty that exists, He is the constant, never the variable.

This was my facebook status today.

What I wanted to write about was our vacation and fiddle with some pics. No time today and not really motivated to do so. Why?

I received news on Monday that my cousin (he is 3 years older than me) was in a horrible accident this past weekend. He is in the ICU and they are concerned about the extent of his injuries - especially to his brain. On Tuesday, I learned of a tragedy that occurred to a family from our church that has left them without their husband / father.

Why?

Such a loaded question. One that I have dealt with many times - especially over the last 10 years (Journey of Faith or Worship classify many of these posts). Through our trying to get pregnant for almost two years...Simms' multiple operations - a situation that is still not completely healed and the doctor's still don't have an answer...my Brother-in-love Rayda's heart surgeries, coding at the hospital and recovery...my Mother-in-love's diagnosis with cancer two days after we welcomed our firstborn and the battle she fought for 15 months...the many family members that have been stricken with cancer - some have gone to be with the Lord, and others are still fighting it - my Dad specifically...my Father-in-love's quadruple bypass surgery and recovery. These are the biggies - the ones that caused the question "why?" to dare cross my lips. These are the ones that I don't have any answers to. And I don't have to.

I'm allowed to cry. I'm allowed to feel the pain and frustration. I'm even allowed to ask why.

Although there are times when I have felt alone on this journey, He has always been there. Amidst the questions that seem to lack answers, He is still God.

I have free will. I can choose to allow circumstances to control me. I can choose to scream about the pain and focus on the injustices. I can attempt to find reasons for the ails of life. The problem is all of these choices don't give me the peace that I so desire.

It might not make sense, but the simple statement God is God is what infuses me with peace. That is what gives me comfort. There is so much about Him that I do not understand or comprehend but I do know that He is love, He is faithful and ultimately He is victorious.

I just had to add some pictures of His Creation. Both serene and powerful - straight out of the camera goodness.

Hope Displayed

Simms sent me a link to this...and it was that good, I needed to share.

It is similar to a palindrome which reads the same backwards as forward. This video reads the exact opposite backwards as forward and the meaning is the exact opposite. Brilliant.

This is a video that was submitted by a 20-year old to a contest titled "u @ 50" by AARP. It placed second.



Maybe I just get emotional and passionate when we talk about our future and the next generation. I am disturbed by how often the older and wiser generation gives up on the next. They see apathy and complacency and assume that it characterizes the entire generation. When will we stop stereotyping? When will we hold on to faith and believe that there is hope.

Watching this stirred the hope that is in my heart...believing that there never has to be a lost generation.

He Hears. He Knows. He Cares.

Seeking and praying.

This has been the constant in my life lately - meaning it's been more pronounced in the last two months. My heart always desires to follow His leading and do what He's doing but sometimes there are just seasons where the need to be seeking and praying is stronger. This is where I've been.

And it has been a good time. He's revealed some things to me that are so precious and He's blessed me in mighty ways. That is what a loving Father does.

Yet there is still some stuff that hasn't been answered.

Today has been one where I've enjoyed just being in His presence. Knowing that He knows. He cares. He hears. These are truths that I believe but I love when He takes time to show it to me.

Like today when I was driving to church...I desired to just worship Him. I popped in my Desperation Band CD and joined in with My Savior Lives. To my surprise the CD then skipped from track 1 to track 8. I thought that was strange and reached to return to track 2 but just as I was about to I felt like I was supposed to listen to this track. Thankfully I yielded to that nudge.

I needed to hear the lyrics to Everlasting God.

One thing I know that I have found
Through all the troubles that surround
You are the rock that never fails
You never fail

One thing I know that I believe
Through every blessing I receive
You are the only one that stays
You always stay

You never change
You stay the same
You are the Everlasting God
You will remain
After the day is gone and things of worth have past
Everlasting God




The morning meeting went well and I was back home by 1:00 pm. To work I went. Getting the morning dishes into the dishwasher and cleaning out the sink. Straightening up the family room. Bringing the laundry to the basement and putting away some recent purchases into the pantry. I was about to head upstairs and tackle another task when I felt like I was to take a break. I started to shrug it off but it grew. So I went downstairs, got something to eat for a late lunch and sat down. It was then that two more songs blessed me - I had the radio on and had I continued working upstairs at that time I wouldn't have heard them.

The first one is Revelation by Third Day. Here is a snippet:

Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
'Cause I've been trying to find my way
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without you.

Okay. Got it. He is hearing me loud and clear.



The second song is He Is by Mark Shultz (to hear the song on his website, scroll down and pause the advertisement...then select He Is on the player)

He is. He was. He always will be
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
He is.

These lyrics resonate with the song from this morning. It also reminds me to continue to Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10.

He hears.
He knows.
He cares.

Created & Called...the ingredients of life - part 2

This is Part II of a two part series - if you didn't already, feel free to read Part I. Besides being Mommy extraordinaire (ha!), I lead a ministry at our church. For more information about the ministry you can check out our blog...look at the links in the left margin. Last month was the kick-off to our new season: Created & Called: Year of Activation. I shared the following with the moms and wanted to document it here as well - in case my boys want to learn more about why their mama is the way she is. LOL

Do you every get downloaded with stuff? That’s what I call it anyway. Like I said previously, I ask lots of questions and they don’t always get answered right away. But I know God listens to me and cares about my questions and so I trust an answer is eventually coming – hoping that it’s on this side of heaven. Anyway, I always have a journal in close proximity to me – in my purse, on my nightstand, at the desk, etc. Unfortunately, even though I’d love for them to be themed, they aren’t. Largely due to these downloads. I could be at church (worship or when someone is speaking), driving in the car, working at home, washing my face, in the middle of the night…seriously there isn’t a truly consistent pattern that I can see anyway. And then boom. Download. So I don’t try to remember it…I sit and write.

Recently I was writing down various women in the Bible and the potential theme that surrounded them / their message, you could say.

Mary – called to mother Jesus

Esther – called to save her people; to intercept the plans of the enemy.

Deborah – called to serve as a judge for Israel. Wisdom and discernment resulted in victory for Israel and years of peace.

Elizabeth – called to mother John the Baptist

Hannah – called to mother Samuel

Egyptian princess – called to raise Moses; this allowed him to understand what royalty was. This was needed component for him to participate in God’s plan to ultimately free the Israelites. He didn’t have the mindset of a slave. (Kris Vallaton elaborates on this in his book Supernatural Ways of Royalty)

Rahab – called to protect the spies

Ruth – called to support and love on her Mother-in-law, Naomi.

Motherhood is definitely a theme here. This is not an easy job – and if you note, because of the strong foundation that their children received, they were active participants in the calling God had on their lives – giving glory to Him through their words and actions.

Another theme that I ponder seems to tie me to the Israelites. My parents became Christians in the early 70’s. As a result I am not cognitively aware of what it is like to live life without Jesus – He has always been part of my life. I now understand that the time frame was during a revival. I saw a lot of stuff. Prophesy was “normal” for me to see – so was people falling down, long lines waiting for prayer, services that would run for 3+ hours, church on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, hearing lots of different tongues, seeing and hearing about miracles. Prophets and teachers of the Word would stay at our house. Vacations were conferences in other states. And then it was like someone hit the pause button. Not that God wasn’t still here. But things happened in our world with people I knew. I witnessed leaders fall. It hurt. Since then, there have been glimmers that remind me of my youth and my hearts cry has been – God I just want YOU – I want it to be the real deal and not just take another walk around the mountain. So then I ask a question…what is it that can keep us from walking around the mountain again? How can we truly be part of a “revival that doesn’t end” – quoting Bill Johnson.

This going around the mountain reminds me of the Israelites – that’s the tie. Remember I mentioned Deborah? During the time of the judges there was this constant ebb and flow with the Israelites and living in peace. They would repent and God would give them victory over their enemies and they would live in peace for a period of time and then they would return to worshipping idols and false gods which bore the consequence of falling into captivity and lack of peace. This would then last for an extended period of time until they would once again repent and cry out to God for forgiveness and He would give them victory over their enemies which would result in a period of peace until once again they began to serve false gods. It was a cycle that too often we judge them for. I mean have you ever asked “What is their problem? God saved them! WHY would they bring idolatry into their homes again?” Obviously I have…I like questions.

What sickens me is the parallel to the present. We experience revival – a time of peace that seems to be followed by a time where we feel under attack.

How do we stop the cycle?

I am not an authority on revivals or the cyclic nature of them. And I am not saying that this is the only answer to the question. But, I believe with all my heart this is a key and may be why I have been part of this ministry.

For something to last – it has to cross generations. Generations. You are moms – who have an integral link to the next generation. We cannot pass down to our children what we don’t grasp ourselves. I’m able to pour more truths into my boys then my parents did with me. They just came to know Jesus when I was 2 years old. They deposited truth into my life but it was all new to them. I now have a lifetime of truth that has been deposited into my life to pass on to my sons. Is this making sense?

I really believe that God has been preparing for a supernatural shift to take place in each of you – that He has prepared you to fully embrace the truth of your identity and purpose. My prayer is that every good word that He has spoken over your life will be fulfilled – to completion. And that, as a result, this truth would be deposited into each one of your children. That amidst the wiping of noses and butts, you would ooze the truth of their identity and purpose to them. That, just like Jesus was always a part of my life, we would have a generation who would never doubt who they are or the importance / relevance of their life. I have to tell you – I believe this is possible.

So…where do you begin? Wherever you have to. Just let Him speak into your life – and choose to listen and believe what He says to be true.

At the end, I read Max Lucado's book You Are Special. If you've never read it, turn off the music and play the video below. It's one of my boys favorites.