Campbell Crew

The Campbell Corner was started in 2006.  I've journaled for decades but this was the first time that I did it on-line and allowed others to view (and even comment) on my entries.  It was initially intended to allow family and friends that didn't live near us to stay updated on what was going on in our corner.

Surprisingly, more than just family and close friends began to read and comment.  Eventually the blog evolved to one where everyday life was documented - the ups, the downs, the tears, the prayers, the various journey's and seasons, victories and even struggles. It gave voice to a Momma who was new to staying at home with her kiddos and navigating through lots of "new-to-me" experiences - sometimes more than I ever would have wished for.

The Campbell Corner is treasured by me.  It's a window into part of my heart and holds lots of memories. 

So...why start Campbell Crew?  Simply put - my boys are not babies anymore and a corner is a bit too small for them.  Life has become way more bold and boisterous.  I could just do a complete overhaul of this corner - update the look and feel of the blog so that it is more fitting to our current life.  But I don't want to.  I love this little blog and all that it represents.  It's still a part of my life and I desire to preserve it for what it is.    

Campbell Crew will still have the same real-down -to-earth tone.  That is just who I am and no matter what season of life I'm in...that will never change.

Many of you have joined me on my journey over the last five years.  Know that you are invited to continue to join me and my crew as we continue to learn how to live intentionally and balance life.  If you view me in a reader, then you will want to update your reader.  

Life's Essentials

es·sen·tial [ i sénshəl ] necessary: of the highest importance for achieving something basic: being the most basic element or feature of something or somebody defining: constituting the property or characteristic of something that makes it what it is.

Previously I wrote about living intentionally and being an active participant in this thing called life. One step I've taken in this is determining what is important to me and then attempting to work those things into my schedule.

This may sound silly, but when my day is so busy that it is blurred, my favorite thing to do is to take a moment and just breathe. I'm not talking about doing some major deep breathing exercises - although that is also good - but merely taking a moment to be mentally aware of taking a breath into my lungs and then releasing it out. It's like giving myself a time-out but in a good way.

Something else that I've incorporated into my life is PAUSE. For me, it is like hitting the pause button on whatever is on my agenda that day. I get myself a cup of coffee and sit on my glider in the family room (looking forward to moving outside to the patio when the weather warms up) and I read my new book. I'm not reading anything I haven't read before, but the Bible is organized in a different way in this book and I'm loving it. I don't get to do this everyday but I've been able to continue to chew and ponder what I've read and how it applies to my life until I'm able to pause again and read some more.

These are definitely some of my life's essentials.

Living Intentionally

This has been something that I have been thinking about and in many ways applying to my everyday life.

As most families, we've experienced our share of ups and downs and have learned how to navigate our way through it, attempting to find balance. One way that I've accomplished this is by living intentionally - not just letting life happen but making and participating in the choices that I have the ability to make.

I know that I cannot control everything that happens to me or my family. I can't control the cancer in my Dad's body. I can't fix the residual ailments that still plague my Mom as a result of the sepsis. This is what we are living through now and it is not easy.

So what do I do with that? I can choose to become paralyzed and walk aimlessly through each day or I can be an active participant and maybe have a positive impact. I choose the latter. This does not mean every day goes as planned. Nor is my schedule always filled with things that I would choose to be doing. There are many nights I am just worn out and exhausted and sometimes I've awakened in that same state. But 'living intentionally' is what allows me to roll with the punches. This is why, no matter what happens, I can get up again.

Today I enjoyed watching Jeter and his team start the spring season of soccer. It was cold and Barber was getting a little antsy but I relished the fact that we were able to be there as a family.

Do you live intentionally? What does that look like in your everyday?

Healing is in His Hands

Winter blues. They say that some people are affected by the weather and lack of sun. I don't doubt that. That being said, this winter, even if I wanted to, I haven't had time to sit around and feel all 'bluey'.

Completely random thought here (and nothing to do with this post) - who first came up with 'blue' as synonymous for sad? I personally like the color blue - it's refreshing and calming to me. And if you noticed, when there is a lack of sunlight in the sky it's usually because of the clouds that keep the sunlight out - which to me are white or a stormy-looking grey.

So...why has my winter been so busy? Well, I don't really have time to go into all the details but long story short, my Mom was hit hard with pneumonia and a staph infection in her blood - originally diagnosed as influenza. She was admitted to the hospital (SICU) December 30th and was then transferred to a Rehabilitation Hospital January 11th. She continues to progress and is scheduled to be discharged home next week where she will continue to receive therapy as an outpatient. Needless to say, our family (includes my family and my sister's family) have been busy caring for both Mom and Dad. No time for the 'blues'. No need for it either. We've had so many people - family, friends, and prayer warriors at churches of family and friends and our own - covering us daily in prayer.

We've stated that we are living a testimony right now...and everyone that is linked to us through this is living it too.

If you know me or have even been reading this blog for any length of time, then you know that I just absolutely love music and that what draws me in more than anything else is the lyrics. This song has definitely ministered to me quite a bit - especially over the past 3 weeks.

Teeter-Totter

Balance.

Did you ever try to balance a book on your head? I did that when I was little...then I tried to walk. It quickly slid off. That settled it...no modeling career for me in the future. Joking aside, it seems that the ability to stay balanced becomes increasingly difficult as the number of things you are focused on increases.

My house lacks balance at the moment. Could be that I've added baking and candy-making, wrapping the presents, crafting with the boys, preparing special things for the teachers at school and I still have two presents to find (!!!) to my daily focus of tasks. Laundry, dishes, preparing meals - even if it's eggs for dinner, and just cleaning in general. Oh - getting back to regular exercise would be good too. Looks like I'll be starting week 1 day 1 again.

And then you have my family. Specifically my Dad.

My heart wants to spend every single second of every single day with him. What would I do? Hold his hand. Watch some old western on TV that I have absolutely no interest in but I would be with him. Talk. Maybe play Yahtzee. Refill his glass of water. Listen to his life stories again, again and again. Just love him.

And then there's Mom. This precious woman who will sacrifice everything in her life for those she loves. I want to be there for her every second of every day. To help ease her responsibilities and decrease the stress that she feels. To remind her that this isn't all on her shoulders. To give her the freedom to go get some shopping done or just sit and chat - sharing both smiles and tears.

I haven't even mentioned my sister. We grew up spending almost every second of every day together! No wonder she's my bestest friend. I want to sit and talk and share a cup of coffee - de-stress together. To giggle over the stages of our boys and encourage each other as moms and wives. And then, to take a moment and forget all of our responsibilities and have some 'girl' time would be absolutely lovely.

That's the nuclear family I started with. Now I have my own nuclear family.

I'm a wife to Simms - a most amazing and understanding man - he is seriously my best friend. I can't believe we will celebrate 17 years in less than a month. Seriously seems like just yesterday I walked into Zoology Lab and spent the evening using dichotomous keys and laughing at his jokes. Fast forward to current life - I'm also a mom of two sweet boys. And they need their Mommy. They need me to pack their lunches, help them get their coats on, give them kisses and hugs before they leave for school. To pray for them while they are at school. I'm also there to check their homework, help fix their Lego's that fell apart and now there's a piece missing that needs to be found. We read together. I tickle them - trust me, they need that too.

I haven't even mentioned the network of aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, Rayda, Papa or Mima.

Now, on top of all of this, enter emotions. As if it was even possible to find balance to all of the above, this is a certain factor to throw things way of of whack.

Needless to say, the book is constantly falling off my head lately. And I keep picking it back up. I'm a fighter like my Dad. I see the challenge in front of me and I know that I cannot take care of it all by myself. BUT, this is the secret that keeps me going - I guess since, I'm going to share it with you it isn't a secret anymore.

Ready...wait for it...I'm not alone.

That's it. No one that loves me expects me to get it all done by myself. We're a team and thankfully, the huddle has grown. An added bonus to all of this is that I trust the play-caller. Don't always understand the play and I sometimes don't agree with it...but I still trust Him.

The Core of our Huddle

Do You See What I See?

When you look at this picture what do you see?

Winter. Death. Cold. Those are some words that could come to mind and they would be valid.

I see life - and the potential of it. There is a protective covering - that isn't necessarily pretty - that keeps this bud safe throughout the severe temperatures and storms of winter. The result is that when spring comes it bursts forth with a beautiful bloom.

There are a lot of parallels to my life and the lives of my loved ones. Circumstances don't particularly look great - there are signs of debilitation and increased weakness. And yet, there has been an increase in a sense of being surrounded and protected which has provided what I've referenced as an irrational peace.

I believe that there is going to be a new season - a spring. And when it is time, the old will pass away and the new bloom is going to burst forth. The difficulty is timing...I don't know when winter will pass. What I do know is that while in this season, I am choosing to focus on the potential of new life that exists and is being protected. I know that the protection is present and we will withstand the storms and/or severe conditions. That 'knowing' is my faith and it is continually strengthened as I spend time in His Presence.

Living in the Now

This has become a theme for me. Taking time to enjoy what's happening right now in my life and in the lives of those I love. It's definitely a theme that I've touched on before...once or twice anyway.

What does that mean for today? It means that I am at my parents house, enjoying time with my family. Jeter is sitting with his Poppy, watching the Steelers game. Simms was using his laptop to do some research on TV's for my Dad - he's checking out the cable hookup now - we're looking to get a TV upstairs for him. Thankfully they already have a table for the new TV or we'd also be completing some research about TV stands for flat screens. If you are in the market check out the CSN stores - one click allows you to access a great variety for a great variety.

Grammie is mixing the icing so that her grandson's can join in with cookie decorating this afternoon. Brady and Barber are currently playing with their animals which talk in a very squeaky voice. Promises is upstairs chatting with my mom...now she's downstairs with me and my Dad. Me...I'm taking a moment to document the "now" I'm living in today. Dawson will join us later. He's home because Smiles is still sleeping. I just really love my family and need to get back to living life with them. We got some fun cookies to make. I'll post pictures at a later date.

My Church is...

What are you reading today?

Fiction? Non-fiction? Blogs - about food, decorating, mommyhood, real life, bargains?

I'm a bit eclectic with my reading and sometimes I go through phases or seasons.

Every now and then I come across something really good and I earmark it - literally or figuratively - planning to share it with so-and-so. Sometimes it's a really good recipe. Other times it's because it made me laugh or touched my heart.

Today it was because what I read felt like a reflection of some of my thoughts.

I don't totally remember how or when I first came across Trey Morgan's Blog. He is a pastor of a church down in Texas. I think I appreciate his honest approach to life - just telling it like it is and not doing a song and dance in the process. Anyway, today's post titled So, Where is Your Church? was definitely worth sharing.

Based on his post, I'd add that my church is

...helping children with their writing.

...at the elementary school that I volunteer at.

...conversing with other mom's and dad's at the soccer field.

...taking care of my kiddos and family.

...bringing a meal to a new mom or a family in need.

Yes, there is a building that our family goes to on a regular basis where we are able to meet with others - to encourage and be encouraged. But that isn't really what it is all about. That doesn't mean that those few hours aren't important...they just aren't necessarily more important then what happens all of the other hours in that week/month/year.

I remember when another pastor, who is still quite dear to me, challenged us to be climate / atmosphere changers. To recognize that due to the fact that He is with us, where we go, He is present. That is 24/7. Even though He spoke those words over 10 years ago - it is still relevant today and I have heard myself giving that same challenge to my boys. I don't ever want them to be limited by the walls of a building.

Having read all of this...I'd love to hear where your church is - and I'm not talking about the building.

The Tone. The Glare. The Attitude.

Do you read a lot of parenting books? I don't. That doesn't mean I've never read any books about parenting. I definitely did my share of reading during my first pregnancy and then some more during the first year of motherhood. But for me - how do I say this nicely - no one author deserves the honor of know-it-all on the topic of parenting.

By the same token, there are some general principals and applications that are true. For example, typically at the age of two, children are learning boundaries and at the age of three they attempt to see how far they can push those boundaries. Those statements are generally true for all children. Where the variation lies is the specifics of how to get through those phases.

So...how do I get through it? I ask God for help. That may sound like a cop-out but hear me out first. He's the One that created these kiddos and He knows them best. I know them pretty well - probably better than most. Simms could say the same. This is definitely due to the fact that we both see a bit of each of us in each of them. The good, the not-so-good if we don't get a handle on it, and what I like to call we are going to handle and get through this - like it or not. Yet, even with all of that knowledge, He still knows them better.

How does this stuff break-down practically speaking? This is my take on it - my job is to ask and listen. He is the One that has to provide the solutions and I need to employ those solutions.

So how does that work? I have a great and current example to give you.

Have you heard of the pre-teen years. I don't know exactly when they are supposed to officially start. What I do know is that we have at least entered a phase of them. My choices, as I see them, are the following - #1 run and hide and hope for the best, #2 yell and scream and hope my neighbors have a good set of earplugs and #3 apply the above (ask for, listen to, and execute the given solution) trusting that we will get through this phase just like we have in the past.

You do realize that options #1 and #2 are not real options, right? Not for this momma anyway.

Please know that selecting option #3 does not necessarily equate to smooth sailing. No way. It does mean that I am fully prepared to roll up my sleeves and get into the muck of life with them. I am ready for the long haul if needed and I will not quit.

I love these boys and my hearts desire is for them to fulfill every plan and purpose that God has for their lives.

Okay...back to pre-teen angst. I know it is another phase that leads to Jeter becoming more independent and defining who he is. I get that and actually this is a really good thing. I want him to continue to mature into the young man that he was called and created to be. I just don't like the tone that seems to be accompanying the process. This tone isn't always directed at me. No - it doesn't seem to be a respecter of persons. All you have to do is cross the path of the tone and it's there. The tone also seems to have a buddy - I'll refer to it as the glare. Not really a fan of the glare either. Both of these things seem to precipitate from the attitude that finds it necessary to be right and prove that rightness at the expense of everything and anything. Please note, none of this is "official" - meaning I don't have an citations to make. It's merely from observations that I've made due to life experience...meaning I'm living this right now with my 9 year old.

My goal? To deal with the tone, glare and attitude without having too many casualties in the process. You may think I am joking. I'm not. I want the yucky stuff out and the good stuff - which ultimately is a positive growth in Jeter's independence and identity - to thrive.

That is the general goal. I think everyone could agree to this.

How am I doing that? You're curious about the specifics? Here is the latest tactic. In the midst of the chaos that ensues when the tone, the glare and the attitude show up, I ask this question - Are you glorifying God right now?

Granted, for you to employ this tactic, that means that your child / pre-teen has to have a foundational understanding of what this means. Mine does. Did it work? Yes!

This is what it looked like the first time in our home...

Me: Jeter, you need to get ready for soccer practice.

Jeter: Okay.

So far no problem. He then comes down in a t-shirt and shorts...mind you it is below 50 degrees outside.

Me: Jeter, that is not enough. You need to wear your underarmour.

Jeter: I don't know where it is.

Me: Okay. If you can't find it then you will need to wear a long sleeve shirt under the t-shirt and a sweatshirt.

Jeter: A sweatshirt? Why?!? (picture instant presence of tone, glare and attitude).

Me: Because it is cold outside.

Jeter: Mom. No. It's not that cold. And I'll be running around. Why don't you find my stuff for me.

Me: Jeter, that is your responsibility and you are running out of time. Get upstairs and finish getting ready now. (there was definitely a bit of emphasis placed on the 'now' in that last statement)

Jeter goes upstairs. Did I mention that his cousins were over? Oh and that I spent the day teaching Promises how to make homemade icing and decorate a soccer cake for Brady as well as taking care of the cake that I was decorating for Jeter's team party?

Meanwhile, upstairs I find Jeter sitting on his bed.

Me: Jeter, pick out a sweatshirt now.

Jeter: No! You don't understand! I'll be running around and I get hot and sweaty so much that I'm going to die if you make me put on the sweatshirt!!!

Me: You have a choice - sweatshirt or underarmour.

Jeter: I don't have a choice because you are going to make me wear a sweatshirt and I can't find the underarmour which is probably in the laundry that you haven't done yet...

Me: (yes, I interrupted him) Jeter, stop there. You're right. Mommy is behind on the laundry but what have I been doing today for you?

Jeter: The cake. But you didn't have to make it. You could have done something else. You chose to do it.

He is correct, I chose to make the cake but the design became more complex because my sweet boys began to "dream" about what the cake could look like and I started to dream with them. I have to admit, right now option #2 was looking really really good and our volume had definitely raised over the course of the above conversation. Thankfully, I took a breathe, walked to another room with Jeter, and silently prayed. When I say 'prayed' insert 'desperately pleaded with the Father'. That is when He told me to ask Jeter the above question and I did.

Me: Jeter, all of this - your actions and words, is it glorifying God?

He stopped. His eyes seemed to soften and as he looked away from me I heard him say 'no'.

Me: Okay then. Please go to your room and talk to God - get your heart right. Then you will need to apologize to me and to your cousins before I bring you to soccer practice.

He did it! He didn't like it but he did it. I heard him in his room having it out with God. That's okay with me. I think that's how I sound sometimes when I'm talking to God, getting through a tough time. He exited his room tone-free, glare-free and attitude-free!!! With a changed heart, he apologized to me and his cousins then he quickly finished getting ready and we got to practice about 5 minutes late.

As he jogged to his team for practice, I looked on with eyes of admiration. I believe that Jeter grew today, right before my eyes.

Life is like...

How would you complete that sentence?

You might say "a box of chocolates" quoting Forrest Gump. He follows that up with the statement "you never know what you are going to get". I don't know about you but my favorite box of chocolates comes with a diagram that tells me exactly what is in that box. I personally favor the truffles and avoid the coconut.

For me, the best analogy right now is that it is like a football game and I am on the team of the underdogs. I'm sure this has everything to do with the fact that I watched Facing the Giants with my boys last night. If you have never seen this movie, I highly recommend it. There are just a lot of great nuggets that can apply to life...no matter what you are walking through.

Here are some of the most meaningful applications for me:

* There is a scene where the coach asks his player to do the 'death walk/crawl' (the player carries someone on their back and walks on all fours - only feet and hands touching the ground). He blindfolds the player and asks him to give him his best. The following isn't verbatim (I don't write that fast) so just know it's paraphrased...

Coach: Give me your best

Player: It hurts

Coach: Keep going. Don't quit.

Player: It burns. Am I there yet? It burns.

Coach: Give me your best. It's all heart from here.

Note...the player ends up going all the way to the end zone of the field!

*Miscellaneous Quotes that mean so much to me right now...

Your effort was real good tonight. You have nothing to be ashamed of...praise God when you win and praise Him when you lose.

Sounds like your fear is about to collide with your faith.

I will still love you.

Whatever happens You get the glory.

I believe as long as we honor God, nothing is impossible...now, who will go fight the Giants with me?

Remember today...you held nothing back, you did not stop fighting, you did not quit.

* At the end of the movie, the teams leader on the defense (he plays on the line) is exhausted. This is the State Championship game and they are in the final moments of the fourth quarter. The opposition has possession. The player tells his coach I'm done. Someone else has to lead. His coach counters I need you. Can you give me four more downs? The players response? He agrees to four more and calls to his line Stonewall. Exhausted, they rally together and prevent the opposition from crossing into the end zone. Frustrated, the opposing team chooses to go for it on fourth down rather than taking the field goal. The defense holds the line and they regain control of the ball.

Sometimes I feel like it's the fourth quarter and I'm done. I'm exhausted and feel like I've done everything I can. It hurts. It burns. Physically...spiritually...emotionally. And then somehow I'm stirred to keep going...as if I'm being asked if I can give four more downs. Just four more. Thankfully, I know I'm not really in the thick of things alone. My family is here and we're all walking through this together. There are also many friends and loved ones and many others who are praying - with us and for us. Essentially WE are all linking arms together and standing to form the Stone Wall.

Thank you.

Now we need to prepare for rain.

If you don't know what that last statement means, you just really got to watch this movie. It is that good.

Walking Through Quicksand

Life marches on.

It doesn't really matter what you're going through or what loved ones are facing, the second hand keeps ticking and time continues. What's a girl to do? This one keeps on moving - even if it feels like quicksand - attempting to live in the now and handle stuff as it comes.

How does that look right now?

It means that I smile at Barber as he learns to swim the breaststroke - even though I know my Dad was planning to be there but couldn't because of the pain he was experiencing that morning. Yes, even as I type that, it brings tears to my eyes but I cannot allow that sadness to steal my joy. My joy as a mom witnessing her son experiencing some success. Yes, he still has the safety of his instructor's hand under his stomach and his head barely goes below the surface of the water, BUT his arms and legs are following the pattern that his instructor exemplified and that puts a smile on my face no matter what is going on.

It means that I take joy in having my parents and sister's family over for an impromptu dinner. Nothing fancy (Salsa Stoup and Double Decker Quesadillas - thank you Rachel Ray) but the time to sit and talk with one another around the dinner table is priceless.

It means that I attempt to give 100%...whether it is watching the boys play/practice soccer, reading a book together, snuggling with Barber while he shows me all the cool things in a science / toy magazine, making lunches for the boys, tying laces to soccer cleats or sneakers, listening to Jeter practice the trumpet, etc.

It means that I'm still working on my menu planning (I do two weeks at a time), laundry, try to keep milk in the refrigerator, etc.

It also means that when I hear a song on the radio and/or am thinking/praying for my Dad that I let the tears come to my eyes and even slide down my cheeks.

Truth is, I'm pretty good at most of this stuff most of the time. Some days are a little more difficult than others. Periodically there is a day when I feel like I didn't do anything. But I can't afford to get stuck there...I have to pick myself up again because if I don't then I'm going to miss out on parts of life - and in real life there is no pause or rewind button. Although that would be a nice feature to have regarding laundry because I have definitely fallen behind again. Actually a fast forward button would be great to have when it comes to laundry. hahaha.

Meanwhile, here's a song that got to me today...

In Process...

Our computer was missing in action for about two months. Scratch that - not the computer but the internet connection was on the fritz. It's finally fixed and I was so ready to jump online and talk about some of the fun stuff we've been experiencing - like soccer games, a soccer tournament, how my fall menu plan has been going, etc. But then life got a little nuts meaning I found evidence of a mouse in our house.

That just drives me NUTSO. Not so much the mouse itself but the disease / germs that it carries with it.

Then Simms caught the mouse in our house...and then another one...and then another one...and then another one.

I'm praying we're finally done.

Needless to say I haven't had time to sit and 'relax' and type away.

Rather, I've been washing and scrubbing and throwing away and reorganizing and buying bins and filling those bins...all because of an annoying critter that got confused and mistakenly took the Campbell abode for it's own. And then he had the boldness to invite three of his friends! Talk about the nerve of an uninvited guest.

Guess what? My house still does not look like it's back together again.

Amidst this chaos, my Dad is finally having some tests run again. He has finished the regimen of treatment that he was undergoing and we've been believing for good news. In the natural it really is not appearing to be so great. His PSA level has increased almost 5 times the amount it was before he began this treatment the end of August. That's essentially two months. No wonder he has been experiencing pain in the evening. I'm astounded that he is doing as well as he is. Have you ever heard of someone having a PSA of 560? I haven't either until now. That would be my Dad.

My reaction? Mixed really. I think it helped that I had been having my own time of worship for over an hour before I had heard the news from my parents. Being in His presence is really a good thing. I'd say I'm in process - it's taking me time to digest the news and I know there is more coming (he just had an MRI completed yesterday).

Some of what's going on in my head...

• I'm thankful that I trust my Dad to the Father. This allows for me to have peace amidst the chaos.


• I've been pondering what Mary, Martha and Lazarus went through when Lazarus was ill, died and then was brought back to life by Jesus. I remember scoffing at the sisters when they were upset that Jesus hadn't returned soon enough to heal their brother. I'm seeing things a bit differently now. This is sure to be discussed in a future post.


• My heart is blessed when I hear the prayers that are uttered by Jeter and Barber for their Poppy. They both know that no matter what, Poppy will be healed...it's just that they (like their Mommy) would prefer it to take place this side of heaven.


• I'm trying to guard my heart against cynicism.

I'd like to just be "normal" again but then I have to ask what is that really? Who defines normal and what criteria determines this? So maybe less chaos then?

My current solution while I'm in this process...allowing His presence to envelope me and continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Oh, and giving myself permission to have a little bit of chocolate if I really want it. I'm also trying to give myself permission to take a break and just be. If you know me, you know that the last statement is so not easy for me to do...even when I need it. Ultimately, I'm holding on to the One who knows me best and loves me unconditionally.

BTW...the picture above was taken in Sonoma, California. We were there for my cousins wedding. Simms and I went with Mom and Dad to a couple of vineyards. Those are my parents hands. I think it's one of my favorite photos right now.

Rollercoaster's are Supposed to be Fun

Two is Better than One by Boys Like Girls featuring Taylor Swift



This is the song that Simms and I are singing at my cousins wedding this weekend. We've been practicing throughout the summer and we are ready to go - Simms has his high notes down and I'm loving the alto part.

Part 2 of my Dad's treatment is tomorrow morning at 8 AM. I hate the fact that my emotions are up and down like a roller coaster. I can't even blame it on my monthly 'friend' and quite frankly I don't always know that something is going on inside of me (emotionally speaking).

What does the one have to do with the other. Directly, not a thing. Indirectly - everything. Simms came home from work today and popped in the music so we could practice. As soon as he started to sing my eyes began to well up with tears and I was wondering why I was being so effected this time. I tried to join him on the chorus ...maybe it's true that I can't live without you... and realized why I was such a wreck. Dad and Mom. My relationship with my Dad. My Mom and Dad's relationship. As much as this song could be sung about my cousin and her sweet fiance or Simms and I, I was thinking about this really cute couple I know who have loved each other through so much...and still do.

Not to worry cuz if you're reading this...I got it under control and sang fine later on this evening. Probably best that this hit me now rather then the day of the wedding.

Now if I can just get these emotions under control 24/7...

Thankfully I really do have the greatest, most understanding guy in the world and I truly can't imagine my life without him.

Balance Between the Wallflower and the Bully

When to speak and when to be silent.

I don't think this is easy for anyone. Most are prone to one extreme or the other. The goal, I believe would be to have wisdom to know when to open your mouth and when to keep your thoughts to yourself. This is something I'm still working on...have definitely seen improvement in my own life but it is still a struggle.

Middle school years for me were pretty silent - externally anyway. Not at home mind you. I knew I was safe there and talked freely. But around others I avoided conflict at all costs. The beginning of high school was much of the same until an incident occurred and I just couldn't keep silent. I had to stand for what I believed to be right and true. This action was bittersweet - it brought personal pain to me but it also ushered in my voice. Of course I went through a time when I didn't care what anyone thought - I was going to say what I was thinking and let the chips fall as they may. Not a lot of wisdom in that. Nonetheless, I was experiencing the extremes and needed to learn how to find balance between the wallflower and the bully.

How do I do it? Personally, I talk to God and find out what's on His heart. Doesn't sound very heroic does it? It isn't. Truth is, it really isn't about me or my voice. Rather, I hope that what I choose to do gives Him glory. If my choices are just about me then I'd suggest the result is more air / noise pollution and nobody needs that.

Our community has had a bunch of issues arise over the last number of months. Some affect me directly - others indirectly. In one case, I knew I was supposed to get involved and there was a positive change. Not for me directly but one that is for the good of our community. The crazy thing is I haven't felt the freedom to speak to an issue that affects me directly. Keep in mind, the issue isn't life threatening...rather it is a matter of conveinience. Nor is my relative silence due to a lack of support for my point of view. It's almost painful for me not to speak but there are so many noisy gongs going off right now that the ears of our decision makers are probably numb.

In the end, the question I always ask is 'what are my boys learning from this?'.

Ultimately, I desire for my actions to speak louder than my words and I pray that my boys would receive both wisdom and discernment to know and live the 'when'.

You Might Rabbit You Might

Two months is a long time. It's almost 60 days...1/6th of a year...approximately 1440 hours.

A lot has happened over the last two months and yet there is a lot that is the same. Hmmm...I could say that about this little blog - longer time frame but although a lot has happened (and been posted) the heart of it is the same. Why? Because the writer is me.

My babies are growing into independent boys and our family roles have adapted and adjusted accordingly. There has been struggles and successes in our lives and the lives of those we've loved. Sometimes I've talked about it a lot. Other times, I've held it close to my chest - maybe it was too personal to share or it was too difficult to get it into words. There have been many times that I've wanted to sit and write but I either felt like I didn't have the luxury of time to give to this blog or I just couldn't decide what to write about first. Honestly the controversy is still brewing in my head...

So there is the "problem". My solution? I'm going to take a little bit of time, attempt to capture what's been going on and then move forward.

In July I wrote in my journal (the offline one)

Thankful...this is the place my heart is. It doesn't mean that everything is the way I'd want it to be - Dad still has cancer, projects are not 100% complete and schedules are still busy - but my heart is thankful for today. I'm enjoying the now and learning to be more purposeful in the moment rather than wasting it by contemplating and planning for what happens next.

This doesn't mean I'm no longer a planner...that is still part of the way He created me. I'm simply learning how to rest in Him - enjoying the current season and allowing Him to prepare me for the next leg of the journey.

So...what have I been doing / enjoying / treasuring during this season? So glad you asked.

• Reading to my boys...love this and cannot even begin to talk about all the benefits of this!


• Listening to Barber read to me.


• Completing various projects and/or crafts with the boys


• Going to Hershey Park - riding The Great Bear with Jeter for the first time, watching Barber conquer various fears and enjoying Tiny Timbers, the Mini Scrmbler, the Airplane, Hot Air Balloons and even going down the little water slide with a smile on his face!


• Teaching Jeter how to wear contacts. Children really learn so much faster than adults!


• Enjoying having Jeter help me cook and bake. Yes, my boys will be skilled in all areas of the household...no stereotypes here.


• Working with Barber in the pool and celebrating his success of swimming the width of it all by himself!


• Making memories with my family - simple statement that encompasses so many activities and moments.


• Being introduced to organic lollipops by my sister - love them!


• Nurturing friendships with some amazing ladies - cafe time is truly time well spent.


• Flag football - this consumed more time than we anticipated this summer but I will never forget watching Jeter make an interception and run for a touchdown or Jeter's passes at QB becoming more precise and on target, giggling at Barber growling at his opponent when he was lined up on defense, and finally, witnessing my boys exhibit good sportsmanship.


• Completing the Couch to 5K Running Plan with Jeter. What an awesome feat. Jeter's endurance is definitely improved and even though he has begun school, I am still jogging my 30 minutes three times a week.


• Implementing a laundry system and staying on top of it successfully.


• Introducing Looney Tunes to the boys - which they love by the way.


• Getting more involved with my community - on the field with the boys and their families or in the classroom at their schools.


• Admiring the artistry of our Creator in the majestic landscapes of the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon and Zion National Park.

Okay...that feels so much better. I can write about the present without feeling like I've dishonored the past 60 days. However, if there is anything in the above that you want me to expand on please let me know (leave a comment) and I will elaborate. Promise. Let me guess...Looney Tunes right? You want to hear me quote Bugs and Daffy? I'd be happy to comply. Just let me know.

I Will Follow You...

Let The Waters Rise by MIKESCHAIR

There are still Tears but I'm Trusting

Trust In Me Now by Cadia

I know you’re past
The point of breaking
Into pieces
I know you feel
Like there’s no reason
Even worth this
And when you cry
The tears that fall
Don’t even touch your pain

Even though you feel alone
Even though your strength is gone
As your weary heart just tries to hold on
Even if your faith is lost
Even if it’s hard to trust
In a love that would let the rain fall down
Trust In Me now

I can hear
Every prayer that goes unspoken
I feel the weight
Of everything that’s on your shoulders
Don’t give up
There is nothing we can’t overcome

CHORUS

I can see what you can’t see
I will hold you close to me
Through the storm until you see the light

CHORUS

My World Is Shaking

Warning...this is heavy-duty heart stuff.

I hesitate to write because I know I'm hurting right now. At the same time, writing helps me process and heal and stay emotionally stable amidst the stuff that life brings.

My Dad has cancer. Many of you know that...but you wouldn't necessarily know it to see him.

He's been battling it since 1998. It's prostate cancer and although it seemed like it was taken care of back then and was ruled "cancer free" it reared it's ugly head again and again. Without all the wretched details, his battle changed in 2006 when tests revealed that the cancer was impacting his bone (not in it but on it). He's experienced great success with hormone therapy but that isn't working anymore.

So...he's at a crossroads...

I'm feeling really weak right now. Teary. This is my Daddy we're talking about. The one who I knew always had my back. No one in my neighborhood with mess with me or my sister because they'd have him to deal with. This is one of my best friends we're talking about; someone that I could just sit and chat with for hours. This is the Poppy to my boys - who does all he can to be at their games, cheering them on. Who loves them so much and their still too young to really comprehend it. This is a man who isn't perfect but made choices that changed the spiritual path of our family for eternity. He's made mistakes - but who hasn't? God sees the heart and his heart is tender.

I HATE CANCER.

I do. I was taught not to hate because it means that you dislike something so much you wish it was dead / nonexistent. So throughout my life when there was something that I really really really didn't like I would say that I disliked it to the point of hate. Guess what? That is exactly how I feel about cancer except it truly crosses the line to hate. I despise it and the havoc it wreaks on families. We've had to say good-bye to too many family members because of cancer and although I know there is the promise of seeing them again in eternity but that knowledge isn't cutting it for me right now. Just being real and raw at the moment.

It's not taking my tears away but I know that HE knows what I'm going through.

Reason Me This

It's no secret that Simms and I (probably more me than him) encourage critical thinking and reasoning skills with our boys. We recognized their abilities to analyze and reason at a young age and it's important to develop those skills. Like with everything, sometimes they just catch you off guard. This was one of those times...

During a Daddy-Son talk the other night, Barber was challenging Simms. I know for you parents out there, you can relate. It was in the evening and Simms was tired (I'm trying to help him out here) when he candidly responded that he is the Daddy and so he knows.

Barber challenged with this...you don't know how Jesus did miracles do you? See - you don't know everything.

C'mon - you know you've played the "Because I'm the Mommy/Daddy" card before. Did you ever anticipate this type of response?

Laundry Tales

Recently I was able to join two of my favorite products together with the purpose of making my life easier. What are the products? Tupperware and Shaklee.

Laundry is something that seems to be part of every day of my life - like it or not.

Two years ago, we made an investment with the purchase of new, energy efficient washer and dryer. I was thrilled with the result - I could get more laundry done in the same amount of time. I think that alone would put a smile on any mom's face.

A benefit that I was unaware of at the time of the purchase is that I can pre-program my washer. This alone is a bonus - what a time saver to throw a load in the night before and have it ready for me to throw in the drying the next morning. What I learned is that this works best with a powder detergent.


Prior to this, I always used a liquid detergent - it was easy to use and there wasn't any danger of the liquid "clumping". I decided to make the switch. I purchased the 5.5 lb of Shaklee's Fresh Laundry Concentrate and loved it. I made sure to close the bag after every use and although I didn't experience any major clumping, it did appear that a little moisture had gotten to the powder when I got toward the bottom of the box. The next time around, I decided to buy the 14 lb box - a greater money saver. I just had one problem to solve - how to make ensure the lack of moisture. My solution included a Tupperware container that was sitting in storage. It's worked perfectly. Not only has Tupperware organized my kitchen pantry - it's now helping me out in my laundry area as well.