Perplexed But Not In Despair

The actual title of today's message was "How to Overcome Disappointment with God". So much of the content overlapped with Rachel Hickson's message of "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People?" at the women's retreat a few weeks ago. Our pastor's four main points were:
1. Learn to live with mystery
2. Don't try to explain the unexplainable
3. Rest in what He has already revealed to you
4. Trust Him to always lead you to victory

All of it was good but I especially related with point #1. The scripture he referred to was 2Corinthians 4:8 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair" - with perplexed meaning having no answers and despair meaning having no hope. Therefore, he's saying that we can be in a hopeful state without having an answer!?! It's a hard thing to wrap your head around.

Simms and I went through a difficult season - some refer to this as a "wilderness" - after his mom died. She was initially diagnosed with cancer days after her first grandchild (our first son) Jeter was born. Our emotions were...well, tapped out (my hormone levels didn't help either) and yet we were sooooooooo full of faith that God was going to heal Nana. We prayed and never gave up. We encouraged others to hold strong to their faith and even as Nana's condition worsened we still pressed in to Him in prayer. What else could we do? We knew God healed cancer - our own Pastor had been healed of Stage IV Leukemia! We prayed. Our friends prayed. Our family prayed. Nana went home to be with God Friday, August 29, 2002.

So, what happened? You know the questions - did we not pray enough? Did we not have enough faith? It was difficult for me but Simms was really having a tough time. Nana was definitely a "mom" to me but this was his mom. It is different - she was my mom for almost 9 years, Simms' for 31. I think it is fair to say that he was disappointed with God and struggling with feelings of despair - like what is the point? Of course it didn't help when people would get up and testify of how God healed them or someone that they had prayed for. A testimony is meant to spur on your faith - causing your spirit to say "yes" and "amen" and "do it again God" but that is not what was happening with us. Doubt was trying to creep into our hearts. Meanwhile, we had to care for our 15 month old - we had to get through this for the sake of our family.

I was feeling very alone. Simms wasn't ready to talk about any of this. I didn't really have anyone at the time that I felt safe to open up with other than my sister and she just got married and was finishing her Masters degree. My mom and dad were still in NY. But there was God...my lifeline. The One who has seen me through everything! I still remember speaking to myself, repeating what my mother spoke over me so many times - that my name means victory and that I was going to have victory, even in this dark place where despair seemed rampant, I would have victory! Okay...great...victory...how???

A paradigm shift had to occur in my thinking and in my perception of who God is. We so often label God - He is peace, love, joy, our healer, provider, etc. The problem is many (me included) focus on one particular characteristic of God - typically the one that they think they need at the time. So how could I change this way of thinking? Simply stated: "God is God" (this has kind of become my theme/motto since then). Not that what we went through could compare to Job but this is the lesson that he learned and I had determined that I wanted to learn whatever God had to teach me NOW - I don't like to take retests if I don't have to. So...He is God and therefore I do not have a right to question Him or His Sovereignty. Great. Where does that leave our relationship? my faith? How does that fit in? LOTS of questions filled my mind. He then reveled to me that my faith was not just a feeling - He was asking me to enter a new level where my trust in Him is a choice. One that I would make regardless of the circumstances or how I am feeling. However that may sound to whoever may be reading this, I will say that it is ONLY when I did this, when I made this choice, that I truly experienced the victory that I was waiting and praying for.

Praise God! I was in a place of peace and rest! Simms wasn't there yet and I couldn't do it for him. He had to get there on his own. It took him a little longer and he walked a different path to get there but Simms has also learned to live with the mystery of God and the fact that we cannot dot every "i" and cross every "t". Now, four years after this leg of the journey began, we are at a new place in our relationship with God. We still don't have all the answers - and we don't pretend to. We trust Him with our lives and the lives of our boys because we choose to. We still fervently pray for His healing power to touch our lives and those that we love - and we have seen Him answer prayer again. There are still times when we feel like we are being "hard pressed on every side" but we stand on the promise that we will not be "crushed" and when we feel like there are no answers (perplexed) we choose to live in a state of hope. Why? Because...God is God.