Whose Judgement Do You Care About?

I hate to admit this but I'm not a big fan of going to the doctor's. I highly respect them and appreciate their expertise - I just don't like needing the use of their knowledge. This means that when I do make an appointment I'm not feeling well (read really really really sick) or it's for that annual routine visit that all of us aren't thrilled about but know it is the right thing to do for our health. Despite all of this, three years ago I added a yearly visit. I go to the dermatologist. Why? Because I have lots of moles all over my body. My whole life I called them 'freckles' but she quickly corrected me - freckles come out as a result of exposure to the sun, moles just appear.

Honestly, I made my first appointment because I was so freaked out about melanoma. Simms Aunt was diagnosed with melanoma and that started a long battle for her with cancer. I read a lot of informational material but it made me a little more crazy; most of my moles (formerly known to me as freckles) did not look round, a couple were raised above the surface - wait is that the right color? And we're talking about over 100 of these things. I could not afford to become a crazy woman about this and yet I needed peace of mind.

Then one of my friends had a couple of moles removed because they looked "iffy" to her dermatologist. One was on her back. I can't see my back! That was it - I made an appointment and now I am on an annual schedule.

January is when I go. The appointment was this week. They ran out of cloth gowns so I had to wear a paper cloth that looks and feels like cheap paper towel. The opening goes in the back but when I was unfolding this "gown" I ripped part of the front. Lovely. My dermatologist enters and goes through the routine of examining my moles - which means she is looking over my entire body - taking measurements and everything. Thankfully (and I don't know how she does this) she is a professional that somehow puts me at ease and I don't feel uncomfortable. Maybe because she is talking to me about life so I'm focused on that rather than the fact that she is measuring a mole that is on my middle toe. Good news is all my moles are stable.

Now my appointment is over and I am getting dressed. For some reason I suddenly became keenly aware of all of my imperfections. Why do they have full length mirrors in there?!? The extra weight that I still have not lost is taunting me and then I see the stretch marks (will they ever completely disappear?) on my stomach from my pregnancy with Barber, the dry cracking skin on my feet (I desperately need a pedicure)...and then I stop myself. Or God stopped me. Either way that thinking came to an end.

I am not perfect but I am His child. He loves me and it is because of how much He loves me that I am changing each and every day. He has shown me what to do right now - what area of my life to focus on. I need to be content with that and be sensitive to His promptings because ultimately, all that matters is what He thinks of me and how He sees me. I desire for Him to see an obedient heart that has a greater awe of Him than of man.

And then a song comes to mind - it's one that we sing with the children "Man looks on the outside but God looks on the heart."

Finally, my thoughts turn to my friend Say Anything and what she is going through. I pray for her and then thank God for being God - it is only His judgement that really matters to me.