By the same token, there are some general principals and applications that are true. For example, typically at the age of two, children are learning boundaries and at the age of three they attempt to see how far they can push those boundaries. Those statements are generally true for all children. Where the variation lies is the specifics of how to get through those phases.
So...how do I get through it? I ask God for help. That may sound like a cop-out but hear me out first. He's the One that created these kiddos and He knows them best. I know them pretty well - probably better than most. Simms could say the same. This is definitely due to the fact that we both see a bit of each of us in each of them. The good, the not-so-good if we don't get a handle on it, and what I like to call we are going to handle and get through this - like it or not. Yet, even with all of that knowledge, He still knows them better.
How does this stuff break-down practically speaking? This is my take on it - my job is to ask and listen. He is the One that has to provide the solutions and I need to employ those solutions.
So how does that work? I have a great and current example to give you.
Have you heard of the pre-teen years. I don't know exactly when they are supposed to officially start. What I do know is that we have at least entered a phase of them. My choices, as I see them, are the following - #1 run and hide and hope for the best, #2 yell and scream and hope my neighbors have a good set of earplugs and #3 apply the above (ask for, listen to, and execute the given solution) trusting that we will get through this phase just like we have in the past.
You do realize that options #1 and #2 are not real options, right? Not for this momma anyway.
Please know that selecting option #3 does not necessarily equate to smooth sailing. No way. It does mean that I am fully prepared to roll up my sleeves and get into the muck of life with them. I am ready for the long haul if needed and I will not quit.
I love these boys and my hearts desire is for them to fulfill every plan and purpose that God has for their lives.
Okay...back to pre-teen angst. I know it is another phase that leads to Jeter becoming more independent and defining who he is. I get that and actually this is a really good thing. I want him to continue to mature into the young man that he was called and created to be. I just don't like the tone that seems to be accompanying the process. This tone isn't always directed at me. No - it doesn't seem to be a respecter of persons. All you have to do is cross the path of the tone and it's there. The tone also seems to have a buddy - I'll refer to it as the glare. Not really a fan of the glare either. Both of these things seem to precipitate from the attitude that finds it necessary to be right and prove that rightness at the expense of everything and anything. Please note, none of this is "official" - meaning I don't have an citations to make. It's merely from observations that I've made due to life experience...meaning I'm living this right now with my 9 year old.
My goal? To deal with the tone, glare and attitude without having too many casualties in the process. You may think I am joking. I'm not. I want the yucky stuff out and the good stuff - which ultimately is a positive growth in Jeter's independence and identity - to thrive.
That is the general goal. I think everyone could agree to this.
How am I doing that? You're curious about the specifics? Here is the latest tactic. In the midst of the chaos that ensues when the tone, the glare and the attitude show up, I ask this question - Are you glorifying God right now?
Granted, for you to employ this tactic, that means that your child / pre-teen has to have a foundational understanding of what this means. Mine does. Did it work? Yes!
This is what it looked like the first time in our home...
Me: Jeter, you need to get ready for soccer practice.
Jeter: Okay.
So far no problem. He then comes down in a t-shirt and shorts...mind you it is below 50 degrees outside.
Me: Jeter, that is not enough. You need to wear your underarmour.
Jeter: I don't know where it is.
Me: Okay. If you can't find it then you will need to wear a long sleeve shirt under the t-shirt and a sweatshirt.
Jeter: A sweatshirt? Why?!? (picture instant presence of tone, glare and attitude).
Me: Because it is cold outside.
Jeter: Mom. No. It's not that cold. And I'll be running around. Why don't you find my stuff for me.
Me: Jeter, that is your responsibility and you are running out of time. Get upstairs and finish getting ready now. (there was definitely a bit of emphasis placed on the 'now' in that last statement)
Jeter goes upstairs. Did I mention that his cousins were over? Oh and that I spent the day teaching Promises how to make homemade icing and decorate a soccer cake for Brady as well as taking care of the cake that I was decorating for Jeter's team party?
Meanwhile, upstairs I find Jeter sitting on his bed.
Me: Jeter, pick out a sweatshirt now.
Jeter: No! You don't understand! I'll be running around and I get hot and sweaty so much that I'm going to die if you make me put on the sweatshirt!!!
Me: You have a choice - sweatshirt or underarmour.
Jeter: I don't have a choice because you are going to make me wear a sweatshirt and I can't find the underarmour which is probably in the laundry that you haven't done yet...
Me: (yes, I interrupted him) Jeter, stop there. You're right. Mommy is behind on the laundry but what have I been doing today for you?
Jeter: The cake. But you didn't have to make it. You could have done something else. You chose to do it.
He is correct, I chose to make the cake but the design became more complex because my sweet boys began to "dream" about what the cake could look like and I started to dream with them. I have to admit, right now option #2 was looking really really good and our volume had definitely raised over the course of the above conversation. Thankfully, I took a breathe, walked to another room with Jeter, and silently prayed. When I say 'prayed' insert 'desperately pleaded with the Father'. That is when He told me to ask Jeter the above question and I did.
Me: Jeter, all of this - your actions and words, is it glorifying God?
He stopped. His eyes seemed to soften and as he looked away from me I heard him say 'no'.
Me: Okay then. Please go to your room and talk to God - get your heart right. Then you will need to apologize to me and to your cousins before I bring you to soccer practice.
He did it! He didn't like it but he did it. I heard him in his room having it out with God. That's okay with me. I think that's how I sound sometimes when I'm talking to God, getting through a tough time. He exited his room tone-free, glare-free and attitude-free!!! With a changed heart, he apologized to me and his cousins then he quickly finished getting ready and we got to practice about 5 minutes late.
As he jogged to his team for practice, I looked on with eyes of admiration. I believe that Jeter grew today, right before my eyes.
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