Peaceful Chaos

Last day of July.

Jeter starts school in 27 days! Soccer starts for our entire family in 12 days!

Where has my/our summer gone? Today as I was driving away from my physical therapy session a number of emotions were stirring inside. Annoyance. Frustration. The cry of "no fair" and even the question "why?" raised its ugly head. I feel unorganized - especially as I'm trying to get on top of things again. Why does it seem that as I attempt to regain control and move forward there are these things trying to trip me up?

One of the last exercises today was standing on a step with the my toes off the edge and stepping down with my right (good) foot. I had to do 2 sets of 10. They were the most uncoordinated movements ever and yet it's a basic movement. Something most children are doing by the age of 2. For the first time I considered that the frustration Barber feels when he cannot do something right the first time might in fact come (at least partly) from me. Not a great feeling. I don't like being frustrated. I like finding solutions to the problems. The only solution I see to this is more and more practice - which causes some pain, lots of embarrassment, stretching and swelling (inflammation). Sound like fun? Really...you don't want to sign up for this?

So then I start thinking about Simms - the love of my life. My teammate in life. I consider how he must be feeling. This is his busiest season at work where a 60 hour week is normal. This is the time when I usually take more on my shoulders because I know I need to for the team (our family). Not easy to do when I am not even bearing my own weight well. So things fall through the cracks - thankfully nothing that is life threatening but we go into survival mode as I call it.

My mind then moves to the boys. No matter how hard I try I know I have not saved them from taking on some of the weight of what we are going through. They are my best helpers but my heart aches when I think about the things that I couldn't do with them this summer and it doesn't seem fair. Thankfully they appear to seamlessly go with the flow with minor objections along the way. Sometimes meltdowns come and it's hard to be the "mean mommy" teaching them that it isn't okay to talk back or whine when I know inside they are hurting too. They miss seeing Daddy and having "normal" Mommy. Heck, I really wouldn't mind letting out a loud scream either and I know that my writing allows me to get out what's going on inside so that I don't start whining or crying.

Sometimes there are still tears.

Like when amidst the swirl of all of this going on in my brain, Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real comes on the radio. My ears (and left brain) pick up on the lyrics and I relate...wholeheartedly as I drive down the highway.

You know I am all about the lyrics so here they are:

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To... (Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out




So...that's what I'm doing and, if necessary, I will listen to this song again and again and again. Singing it like an anthem or a prayer. It is definitely the cry of my heart in the here and now.