I know a major change happened to me in high school. My sophomore year. There were some girls who were my friends since freshman year. Things changed and their message to me (without dredging up the details) was that I needed to do what they wanted me to. If I didn't, then my actions state that I didn't care about our friendship and therefore they would no longer be my friend. It was four against one. I did care about the friendships but I knew in my gut that I could not do things their way. I chose to disagree with them and stand up for what I believed in. Sounds noble? You can think that but it certainly didn't feel that way. It was a very tough and sometimes lonely school year. I established other friendships throughout the year but it still hurt. At the same time, I would not want to change this moment in my life. I realize now that I learned at least two valuable lessons: to forgive even when an apology isn't given and that a healthy fear of God reduces your fear of man.
NOTE: two of the girls came to me senior year and apologized and asked me to forgive them. It was easy to do because in my heart I already had.
After college I first worked at Macy's and then at a bank on Long Island until I got married and then moved to New Jersey where Simms lived. The bank was definitely a better job than Macy's for saving money for the wedding. There wasn't any merchandise the bank offered for me to spend my paycheck on (unlike Macy's!). Anyhow, the bank required its employees to learn a lot of "rules and regulations" so that our account holders completed their daily transactions appropriately. This task was not always fun or easy to do, especially when there was a burly man opposing you who was not happy when you told him that you could not complete his transaction the way he wanted you to...meanwhile a line of 15+ people seem to become more impatient with every passing second, each one fully convinced that their precious time was being robbed because of the idiot enforcing the rules!!! It can be quite intimidating even when there is bullet resistant glass between you and the angry mob. You get the picture. Believe it or not, here is one of the places that I found my voice...and have definitely used it many times since.
People that know who I am may think that it just comes naturally for me to say what I think. Although this is somewhat true, a lot of thought goes in to what I say and when I say it. This is especially true when I am, shall we say, going against the grain. Such an incident occurred recently and even though I knew that I was walking in obedience to Him, it still didn't feel great. You could even say I was a bit down. Coincidentally over the next couple of days that followed my youngest son requested to watch the Veggietales movie Rack Shack and Benny and Max Lucado's If I Only Had a Green Nose. There I am, being reminded by a cartoon and my 2-1/2 year old why I am the way I am.
Here is where I am "passing the baton".
Yesterday morning, before school, Jeter told Simms (who then told me) that he had two dreams the night before. The first one was that God told him that he was supposed to talk to his friends at recess about Jesus! I don't know how this would make you feel but I was SILENTLY, EXCITEDLY FREAKING OUT!!! I was in awe of his unashamed, matter-of-fact, quiet boldness and scared out of my wits of the potential fallout that could result. Yes, he is in public school because we believe that is what the Lord has called him to, but believing in what will come to pass and then actually walking through it are two very different things...for me anyway. As we went to the bus stop I prayed with Jeter as usual and didn't add anything extra. I didn't even talk about his dream - respecting the fact that he told his dad, not his mom. That is not to say that there wasn't a lot of prayer done after he was on the bus. I earnestly asked the Lord to guide and direct Jeter. I thanked Him for the sensitivity he has placed in my sons' heart and the boldness that he walks in as he stands up for what he believes in. Tears flowed as I cried out for my son to not have to hurt as I have...to somehow be able to walk the path God has for him and be immune to the pain that seemingly goes with it. I don't know if this is even possible, but I have to ask. And then I resolve to tell God that I trust Him no matter what and know that as precious as Jeter is to me, God loves and cares for him even more and I have to trust that love. (By the way the second dream was "not like that one Dad, it was just about soccer and how much fun I have playing)
On and off throughout the day I thought of Jeter and prayed for him...especially around lunch and recess. Then 3:30pm comes and I am waiting at the bus stop. You cannot even imagine what goes through my head as he gets off the bus and the first thing he does is pull up his pant leg to show me a band aid on his knee!!!
Jeter: Look Mom
Me: What happened?
Jeter: I was pushed down at recess.
Me: Why? (That is what I said out loud. I cannot even do justice to account for the countless thoughts that passed through my mind as I asked my one-worded question)
He then went into a whole, very detailed story (I have NO idea where he gets that from) about some boy wanting him to play army with him and other friends wanting him to play with them and him having to make a choice and someone being unhappy with that choice and then it led to what sounded to me like dominoes - so and so pushed one person that fell into another and then him and then he into another and then another. It is actually funny to picture five 5 year olds falling down like dominoes! I'm sorry, I digress. Long and short of it, he is fine and his friendships seem in tact (he is soooooooooooo NOT a quiet mouse) and I have no idea what he did or didn't say to anyone. What I do know is that no matter what, I have to trust God and continue to lead by example.
Meanwhile, my prayer is that as the baton is passed to my boys that they will be able to start in full stride and not need to walk through the junk that I did.
We will not hide them from their children, showing to the generation to come the praises of the Lord, and his strength, and his wonderful works that he hath done. For he established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children: That the generation to come might know them, even the children which should be born; who should arise and declare them to their children: That they might set their hope in God, and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments: And might not be as their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation; a generation that set not their heart aright, and whose spirit was not steadfast with God. Psalm 78:4-8 KJV+
1 comment:
Thanks for coming to visit my blog. I just wanted to come and meet you!
Your little boy sounds so cute!! I, too, have gotten a little more vocal with age. But, I have a long way to go. I am still very much like a mouse!!
Post a Comment