Is 36 Just Another Number?

Today is my birthday. I am 36 years old. I am actually ok with it...today. I wasn't so good with this a couple of weeks/months ago. I don't know why - it is just a number. Nevertheless, it was bugging me. Age itself doesn't bother me. I don't care if someone knows how old I am (obviously). So what was my hangup with this years birthday?

The last time I had a problem with one of my birthdays was when I was turning 20. I was a junior in college and felt like God had pulled the rug out from underneath me. Prior to that I had everything set in my life - and for the next number of years. I was a pre-med/biology major and was planning on becoming a pediatrician. God rocked my world sophomore year and I sort-of listened and dropped the pre-med part. I was ok with that but I figured I would know "the plan" by my junior year. I didn't. And so, my struggle at 20 was not the number per se but rather the fact that I wasn't where I thought I would be at this age. How annoying! Now I look back at that season in my life and am thankful for what God taught me - although it definitely wasn't easy. The main lesson I learned was to give up control of my life and release it to Him. I stopped having such long-term plans. If someone asked me what I would be doing in 5 or 10 years, I might have said something like, "I will probably have a job, be married and maybe have a kid or 2". Well, by 30 I was working and Simms and I had been married for almost 7 years but no kids.

Now it is 16 years later...what was my problem this time? It was actually quite similar to what I went through back then (at 20) just different issues. I felt like I hadn't accomplished a variety of goals I had set for myself...still...and now I was entering my "late 30's" which to me means almost 40 and in my mind I should somehow have everything together by then! I don't know why...I know it isn't logical. I was having a mental battle between my emotions and my sense of reason. I could tell this was bothering me and asked God to help me so that I might actually enjoy my special day. He did - He is faithful and does answer all of our prayers, even ones that seem unimportant when compared to war, persecution, etc. However, the answer didn't come as a major moment of revelation or a flood of peace. In fact, last week, when I reminded myself that my birthday was just around the corner, it didn't bother me...what had changed and when?

Me. That's what changed. Many of my so-called goals have hope via changes that I have made in my schedule/life which you can read about here and here. I am still not at my goal weight...still working on that. I have changed my outlook about 40 and what that means so it really doesn't matter that I am entering another year closer to it. The testimony here is that I didn't go out searching for the answers. Yes, when I came across the information I was the one to make the change and implement it but my focus (when the changes occured) was not on the fact that I wanted these things achieved by the time I was 36.

On this day, I am at peace. There is still MUCH that I desire to achieve in my life and I have no idea when it will all get done. But I know that as long as I continue to keep my focus on what is really important in life it will really all work out.