Affirmation vs. Accusation

This was essentially one of the main points to Rachel Hickson’s first session at the women’s retreat this weekend. Essentially, affirmation will more often conclude with a positive response from an individual than accusation. Overall, Simms and I practice affirming Jeter and Barber but I couldn’t help but think of a number of recent situations that we have faced with Jeter where I know affirmation was NOT the first thing we did. There are multiple times I feel like I am dealing with the attitude of a teenager and he IS only 5!!! So, I talked with God and asked Him to show me how I can increase our affirmation of Jeter.

You know that whenever you ask something of God, He answers. This was no exception. Jeter reorganized the VCR tapes this afternoon and proudly called me over to see the result. I told him that was great! Affirmation, right? Yes. Especially b/c I am looking at them thinking “why did you categorize those this way?” Admittedly, they are not the way I would organize OR classify them – that is how they were BEFORE he "organized" them. But I thought, good job, you affirmed him! I think God was just chuckling up there. He knew what was coming…

Jeter is creative. He LOVES art, building things, making things up, etc. Someday those talents may be used in engineering or biochemistry or…let me get back to today. Today was his first day of Kindergarten at church – which praise the Lord he loves!!! Part of the program involves them receiving a stamp on a card for bringing their Bible to church. They can then save those up for prizes. Now, we are home and Jeter wants to play school. He designates me as the teacher and decides to make cards for Daddy, Barber and himself. That’s fine. I trust him. He can handle this. He makes the cards and brings stickers in for me to choose to put in a box for each of them. A little while later Jeter walks into the kitchen to find marker all of the kitchen table!!! NOW we have a PROBLEM. Not happy. The marker leaked through the paper onto the table. Jeter says he is so sorry and that he didn’t know that it happened. I am thinking “Are you KIDDING me? How could you NOT see PERMANENT blue MARKER in an 8”x10” area?!?!?! Do you think I am stupid?” No, I did not say this but there was no affirmation going on. “You know better than that” was certainly uttered. Frustration and exasperation were expressed. I am not sure that I passed this time. I think I failed the evaluation. (Rachel talked about how the trial is to expose our heart and the test is the evaluation).

So after review, how could I have handled it better? Here's one possibility:

Mommy: “Jeter, I know you have excellent observation skills”

Jeter: “Yes”

Mommy: “Jeter, I also know that you are an excellent problem solver”

Jeter: “Yes”

Mommy: “Might I suggest that in the future you use those skills to either prevent this from happening again or, if it should, to notify us about it right away”

Jeter: “Ok Mommy, I will do that”

So, maybe this would work. I will have to remember to try it the next time. Meanwhile, thank you God for giving men and women the smarts to create Magic Eraser. My kitchen oak table looks as good as new - or at least as "new" as it looked before the marker incident.